Christmas Cheers

Home and Still Feels like Libya

arrived philippines nov. 16. arrived hometown cagayan de oro nov.19. been home for almost 3 weeks now. except for the new environment, my life stays the same. i realized that my life in Libya has been filled with lessons and training which i overlooked due to so much stress. but now i get it. "one has to leave the mountain where she stands in order to see it's beauty" my college professor once said. now i see the beauty of my life in Libya. now i can embrace my life here with hope. i can fully brace myself for a new kind of training that will prepare me for a task greater than before when we go back to the place or dear Hannah was born. we are on another adventure...another journey towards growth...another jungle...another paradise.

It is Good

to know that i will get better...it is good.
to know that my good is good enough.
i am good.

on the third night of Eid, we went out to have Hannah's ears pierced. I was so happy to see her so beautiful with those tiny earrings.

God must have lifted me up Himself for i could not lift my burdens unto Him...
you see, my burdens may be not too heavy but my arms and my entirety are too broken
to lift things up to Him.

I was the burden of me.

Now it is time to be grateful for to be well and good is a miracle in itself.

I thank God for my strange silence reached my husband's ears. I thank God for my husband who loves me enough to listen and care even if he doesn't fully understand what's going on.

I thank God for my boys whose smiles, laughters and many talents enable me to live and not be just merely alive.

I thank God for Hannah whose presence in the home is like fresh air and sweet music.

I thank God for age and past experiences wherein i gained the ablitity to be my own shrink.

I thank God for providing innumerable resources not just for survival but for spiritual growth. And thank God for enabling me to be able to reach into them.

I thank God for my eyes that sees the essentials, ears that hears painful truths, and hands that can be still, and evades destruction...

I need not speak of God's glory and grace...my so weak, faint life speaks of HIs glory and grace...

I may moan, complain, bargain and plead...I too have my Gethsemane. But oh the hope of being home makes dying so sweet.

Now i am good for i chose to embrace the darkness until it is visible to others.
And i was blessed with hope for others began to get a glimpse of the shadows of my battles...
I am going home.

To be good is a miracle in itself.

Missing Music

If i have a piano in the house and be left alone, totally ALONE in peace and quiet for at least three hours...to nap untinterrupted, to play and sing uninterrupted, then perhaps these current PAINFUL interruptions will cease...perhaps.

Might just be hormones again. Or post-partum mood swings that MUST NOT be taken seriously or else i will become suicidal if somebody thinks im crazy. Maybe im already a clinical case. See, im making fun of that which is a 911 call.

Having episodes...black outs...lucid intervals.
Maybe because i am worried of Hannah..and am homesick...and have no one to talk with ("talk" that means communicate, that means touch, that means understand, that means acceptance,that means knowing...)
Maybe because i want so much to give the best to my children: care, discipline, love but can't because my way of handling them is being challenged...because i have Hannah still so small and fragile and i can't be consistent with my boys. Its so frustrating

Maybe because i am loosing my mind who wants to wander somewhere, to look for my lost self...to search for that life i once knew...to find ways to go home. Home.
Maybe because i have in my hands everything i could ask and wish for but i do not feel them in my heart...Because I wanted to be prioritized, pampered, pursued and I was. But then, i was subdued.
I wanted to be possessed but not subdued. Sad to say, i had to be. In this place.
Oh i am loved, i know. I was promised a life like that of a princess' but my life back then was better. I was free. and Rich. Freedom was my wealth.

This life i live not for myself. Does that make me a saint? Do i care? No. Because being a saint is not what i want. I want to be more than just a mother...more than just a wife who in this culture seem disposable, reusable, instant, robotic, a human machinery...i want to be human again. I want to feel once again what it's like to be "uncovered" and to rediscover the joys of walking in a crowd, alone...the joys of self-expression, being with those who are able to dig and not care if they discover gold or dung after the process...oh life!
People like me shouldn't have gotten married and make someone's life miserable.
People like me shouldn't have children unless rich enough to provide oneself some help.
People like me should just be and endure pain which they thrive on than dream of something they could not handle.
ahh, drama!
Once i was told i was funny. Because i was running around the house like crazy...from feeding my infant..to thenoodles im cooking for my boys as they are having a very late breakfast and i know that they were hungry...to my boy who wants to go to the toilet..and the other boy who's climbing the baby's crib...it could not get any crazier...and i was told i am funny??!!!
SO i said, "yeah, why don't you laugh?"
I actually scared the man. I was sorry. Sorry at myself.

Hormones, yes they may be. Crazy Hormones. No they are not "spirits" or the "devil." Not because i wasn't fasting, nor NOT reading the Quran or the Bible....it's because i am me, trying to be me.

Will bounce back. The better i will be after that. Then i can care some more. Give care. Love some more. Stay alive. Until, perhaps i come home...until i reach home...or until, i am home.

Dishes Galore!!!!

I posted the menu in Kitchen of Grace. Dishes for Ramadan...and dishes to wash. Endless...

getting busier each night. i don't know why.

but then, after the tummy is filled, there always seem to be a succeeding peace and quiet...some calm in the atmosphere...a smile, then a kiss. This is why fasting month is called "Happy".

Happy Ramadan!

Happy Ramadan

Just a simple greeting from my family...

it's going to be a really busy month for this mommy.:) i hope to steal some time to write my 100 and 1 reflections on life, love, religion and spirituality.

got to go and get some power nap for tonight is going to last until a few hours before dawn.

Happy Ramadan to all!!!!!

May we capture and save into ourselves the true meaning and purpose this month brings.

Mestiza Libyan Princess

She's here, our Hana. Came via C-section on July 8 at 11 am, El-Khadra Hospital, Tripoli, Libya.
We now have our little mestiza (Filipino for mixed blooded) princess. Our little bundle of joy weighed only 5.1 lbs. but she's quickly gaining weight (now being one week old.)

This reminds me of a verse that says : "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning..." My ordeal has paid off!

The boys were in shock when they arrived in the hospital and saw me in bed and with a little baby beside me. We have orriented them already about the coming baby and Sami was quite ready for the new addition except that he kept on touching my tummy and the bandage on my hand. They both hugged me tight. Leafy wanted to lie down beside me but of course he can't so they just let them hold the baby and introduce her formally to them.

Leafy thought the baby is his. He would not stop kissing her. Sami was a little afraid he might hurt her. And Tarek, oh my, he kept on smiling his widest, the whole day...

The experience, ordeal, outbursts of both joy and momentary melancholia will be expounded on another post. As of now, i need more rest and orrient myself and the boys to the new "set-up" at home. How i miss the boys, cuddling with them, playing with them...they seemed to have grown up fast while i was in the hospital for four days.

Ahhh, mommyhood. My friend told me that "you will never be a true mommy unless you have your own daughter.." I feel more complete now.

Another "Libyan" Issue

Yesterday we went to Kadra hospital for my regular pre-natal. We finally decided to have my delivery there instead of the Swiss Hospital because it is very near our house and i feel a lot more comfortable and "at home" with my OB-Gynie there being a female and with a lot of Filipino nurses around.

Anyhow, after my regular routine check, i was asked to take some lab tests so we went to their lab and there i encountered a bit unfriendly med tech (i supposed) who does not speak English (i supposed) for she just signalled me to come inside and pointed the seat. Obviously there was only one seat so i positioned myself, rolled up my long black sleeve. In a matter of seconds (about 5) without any "warning" (like alcohol being rubed on my arm, whatsoever) i suddenly felt the needle like she intentionally wanted to hurt me (but of course not). Then she aske me to hold the cotton on my arm as she put the tape (i was not used to "helping myself" in cases like this for med techs i met before know pretty well how to do things by themselves, though this is really no big deal, not yet). Afterwards, we both went out, my husband and my uncle were outside with the boys and she talked to my husband asking for my passport. My uncle, a nurse in Libya for almost 20 years now asked if this is a new system. She just shrugged. Hellow? How rude can she be? SO my husband talked to her and told her that i am his wife and these little boys are our kids. There, her expressions changed, as if a pail of cold water had been poured over her. And there, I heard one of the stupidest questions ever: "Alesh?" as in, WHY? like "Why am I this Libyan's wife?????" and she said she thought this man (my uncle) was my husband....then this seemingly quiet, unfriendly woman began to chatter saying things to my husband as if i am not there, like "Oh, as long as your family accepts her..." blah..blah... and "is she Chinese? or Filipino?" God knows how much i wanted to ask her if she's from Mars or is she really Libyan? And if she's single, "ALESH?"...grrrr, she really got in to my nerves. All i did was to be quiet, gave her a smile and went out after she returned my passport.

I talked with my husband after that. Why did she ask "Why?" when you told her i am your wife? I asked him. So he explained that it's because she is single and they have "lost" another Libyan man to a foreighner. My husband told me he wanted to answer her before that it's because he could not find a Libyan woman as sweet and as smart as me, but of course that would not be a good thing to answer her as she would feel worse. So he just said, "it's his luck." Grrr...Luck? marriage is luck???? not choice??? anyhow, i feel sorry for this woman who doesn't have any clue herself as to why she hasn't met the kind of man who wants to marry her. Perhaps that man who likes grumpy, frowning, rude Libyan women will come along. I hope. Then she will be happy, and stop asking questions like "why one Libyan man is married to a foreigner."

Just for the record: I love my husband's family because i know they love me too. I love my mother-in-law who i think is the nicest and kindest Libyan woman i have ever met. She gives me "henna treat", brings me food everyday...in other words, she is a spoiler but lately, i begged her not to come up here anymore unless she misses us or wants to play with the boys because i do not want her to get tired or stressed. Her sisters are so nice, they like to give me gifts, and i enjoy so much their company even if i understand only a little of what they talk about. My sisters in law (my husband's two sisters and the wives of his two brothers) are all beautiful women, inside-out. Though we have a lot (as in a lot!) of differences in how we handle things- kids, household, schedules, lifestyle, etc...i know they respect my views and ways. And i admire the fact that even if they do not like to go to school, or they do not value higher learning as much as other Libyan women do, they like to learn new things that would help them become better mothers and wives. In my opinion, these women are the epitome of an ideal Libyan woman- they value things that are of importance such as family, time, and children and set-aside/ignore others things that would cause dispute.

My Sister in Dubai

Her life right now is the reason why i haven't blogged in a while. I share her grief. I am just so surprised to find out today that she started a blog and began to write again. Amazing how God provides different ways for us to release our pains, and for her, like me, she releases it so beautifully.

Let us join her in prayers, and hope.
I am so blessed by her love and faith.

Mother's Day

cried buckets last night. yes, again.
i don't know why after every fun and action-filled weekend i tend to get depressed. perhaps it's the physical stress taking its toll...or perhaps, as i always suspect, its the pregnancy hormones. Or the anxiety of still not having a house help and the approaching delivery of the baby. I wonder how i will be able to juggle all the responsibilities, house work, child care, etc. later on- ALONE, with two toddler boys, and an infant. with their routine/sked, will i have time to eat or cook my own meal???? will i have time to rest? and oh, the possibility of post partum blues....and i am alone at home. i could not expect my mom in-law to come up here to help me for she's been very sickly lately plus her youngest daughter is also expecting a baby girl this month.

will somebody tell me, if it is true that women in the old times, and most Libyan women up to now have survived and some even without getting sick, child rearing and home-keeping ALONE????? husband told me its normal for women here, their minds are programmed for motherhood....like his mother, raising 6 children all by herself (the first three boys are only a year apart from each other, followed by two girls after two years) IS THIS TRUE? Because i DO NOT THINK SO. There must be some help somehow...sister, mother, brother, aunt...I AM SURE of this since i know how it is to be ALONE at home, and taking care of very small children...well, unless the mother is NOT REALLY taking care of the kids but just LETTING NATURE do it's job...since as husband said, it is a NATURAL THING>>>>hah! Natural? True perhaps to those who have families around and who live in their own country....

I am angry...very angry. And as much as i love my babies, i hate this idea of motherhood- that a mom has to do it all. I want a helper!!!! And i want her now. Or before i give birth. Imagine even airlines have to limit the weight of handcarried bagage of pregnant women...while i here have to constantly lift a weight of 25 kilos DAILY!!! and bend to wash diaper areas, and run after a toddler about to pour juice on the floor..or referee two roddlers fighting and being get hit instead. action-filled...and i feel like a casualty already.

though there is Grace as always...i pray for Wisdom to come to people around me. The wisdom to know the importance of Now- what is the need of the moment. Because no matter how much one has saved and "kept" and worked hard for for the future, these will all evaporate in a moment of some loss due to neglect of one important thing: the Life of Someone, Now. In as much as i do not want to neglect ME for the purpose of saving more energy and "life" for the future of my family, i have no choice...because i have no help. So far, this is not really LIVING but only SURVIVING. This is fighting to stay alive...and SANE.

Anyone who had to leave her own country, her loves and life to embrace another "love and life", had to live alone, dependent of someone, not knowing or being able to do anything except to watch her own children, struggle emotionally, having no outlet for her feelings and thoughts, no real friends who will be there for her, no one to really understand her...her pains, physical aches, fears and anxieties, having to eat alone (and sometimes choking on tears...) She may get what she wants sometimes but never what she needs...she ends the day in tears, so tired and worn out she could not even sleep...and wishes she wakes up in another place and time...because she still wants to wake up for the sake of her children...Anyone who's been here is the ONLY one who will truly understand.

This is my voice. Only here I can speak. I know I am heard. I wish I am understood. I hope for a touch...

Bath takes the Blues Away

I have recently developed a new philosophy after an experience of severe melancholia/emotional sensitivity to anything due to over-stretching myself. It's the seasonal blues, not literally brought by season change but by perhaps hormonal change or just phase-changes like that of the moon. Momental lunacy? Ahhh whatever was the cause, i decided to take a long warm shower and a tub soak. The effect was instant. I felt better after a three-day-pouring-out-of-trash. And i am ready for more trash again.

Strangely, the next day i found Romana's words so true.

I began to feel the need to connect with women- occasional lunatics, moms, housewives, givers...and of course, speakers of language i could speak. I still cannot relate well to the women in my family here so i tend to stay up here on the 3rd floor the entire week and see them for a few minutes on a day we are about to go to Janzour. Oh my sad existence.
But the bath, the soak, water, suds and bubbles...and the luxury of 30 minutes alone - it was a blessing that came at 12 midnight.

Tips anyone?

am searching and wondering, so perhaps you could help.

a souk that sells cheap clothing textile and how much is cheap here?
(ribbons, tulle, chifon cloth)

a shop that sells furnitures (even plastic) for baby's room.

Libyan words for castor oil, essential oils

location of a bookstore selling books in english and children's books

location of a shop selling dvds, the original ones.

a good beauty saloon- where the hairdressers know how to cut and color hair. and how much they charge.
have been to one around the neighborhood and discovered i could style/trim my own hair better than they do. i was charged 7 LD. and i was horrified to see a highlghted hair of one costumer...it looks like a kindergarten's art project. omg!

i need to know these. apparently the women in my family do not know where these places are.

One Good Weekend Treat

l-r: the family man, his two boys, his nephew, his bestfriend


the family was treated by papa to the zoo and took along Sami's favorite cousin, Ahmed


the boys were so eager to touch the huge and walking "teddy bear" lol

Ahmed: "Did u like the popcorn?"

Sami: "Let's give him some more!"

this tiger was proudly trotting (even prouder than the lion who looks old, sick and tired and who refused a foto-shoot and opted to sleep) as the boys were kept amazed at how big, lean and snobbish he was.

feeding the pony with...popcorn!

this was my favorite sight...long necked, long legged, graceful, and most of all PINK!!!!

Super models...in pink and white, luminous, dazzling, i love them. i wanted to take two home but couldn't. sigh....

with Ami Dafer feeding the ostriches with popcorn, our signature feeds. lol.

another amusing and amazing sight for the boys...

this is a beauty. another favorite of mine. it's a divine art work. Mashallah!

hello there bear!

Papa, Leaf, Sam and Ahmed...all waiting for the bears to come closer.

It was a wonderful treat from husband dear though he informed me of his plan just a few hours before. Typical Libyan but sweet. We did not get to tour the entire zoo because the boys were getting hungry and we saw the rain coming. Dafer, my husband's friend came along to help us with the boys. He is such a sweet man (and nanny, lol) and we kept on hoping and praying he will finally find someone to love and who will love him back.

the rain came a few minutes after we finished our sandwiches. it was one good weekend.

and oh, husband dear got to take me out shopping with the boys the day before and i got myself two pairs of nice and comfortable maternity clothes for a good price of 85 LD.

just musings about everything

have been trying to get some peace and quiet in installlment terms today. have to chase the boys every now and then...
i need this time for myself every morning in order to have a good start- coffee, internet (checking mails, mesages, news, etc.) and a silent prayer.
found myself wanting to see Morocco and other exotic countries after viewing travel fotos of a friend in facebook.
found myself figuring out how to re arrange the bedroom to be more child-friendly and baby-friendly. we have a double-decked bed which the boys love to climb. we have a bed only Tarek sleep on because i sleep on the floor with the boys, using the foam mattress of the double deck beds. and there's the dresser which the drawers are always rasacked by the boys and sometimes i find them emptying my facial cream and other cosmetic bottles. they are trying new tricks now since the dresser top is already bare of anything, not even a hair brush.

they do have a very wide play-area filled with toys but they seem to be in need of something new every week- a new toy, a new trick, a new children's video to watch. i find myself stressed out thiking of new ways to entertain them. when i spend time with them either playing ro watcing videos, they always get all over me - wanting to ride my bulging tummy (i could not let them ride my back now for a horsey) or press it. i love their affection towards me but oh im thinking of the baby in my tummy too. funny, they call her "tweety" and i do not have any idea where they got that.

i've been making lots of lists again- on what to do, to organize, to buy, to research on the net about, etc...

i might be "nesting" already but i couldnt seem to do anything for i already have my hands so full with the boys and their ever growing need for everything. i am just waiting for the helper to come with tito a few weeks from now.

for today i have a menu to plan and a list of things to buy. tonight we are entertaining filipino friends at tito's flat in janzour and inshallah on friday we have Tarek's italian officemate and his wife as guests for dinner. i have practicaly no idea what they like to eat and that i can cook so i plan to play it safe and go stir fry some veggies perhaps and top it on some pasta...and let tarek grill some meat...i have to plan this.

and there's the closet...needs to be repaired or the doors redone so the boys won't be able to open them.
and there's some shopping to do later for some maternity outfits for me. this baby has been helping a lot for i have never been in shape and pregnant like this before. with \sam and \leaf i have always looked like a cow, but thank goodness for this pregnancy, i kept fit and slim and have less problem with the need for new clothing until now. my only problem is the waistline so i can still basically wear my house dresses. i can still even wear my strechable, low waist jeans. wow!

have to order Anew (of Avon) from my cousin back home. could not find the brand here. some brands from here like Olay and L'oreal doesn't seem to work well on my asian face. or it is because of the climate or my pregnancy, i dunno. i grew crow's feet under my eyes, and some miniature facial warts, creases and pre-mature wrinkles. my skin looks oily-dry, i could not determine the type anymore. inshallah on my next ob-visit (ahhh...we decided to go back to the old hospital and that male doctor for he is offering his service for free and to think, it is in a hi-tech, international hospital, so thank god for this and some good connections) i plan to inquire the derma clinic there about their services and the rate. back home for a regular facial, one can get it for a minimum of 10 dollars, and wart removal with laser costs about 50 dollars and this is done by the dermatologist herself. so i have yet to compare prices.

there are tons of things i wanted from home which cost a lot cheaper compared to the ones sold here. one can get a good brand of children's clothes for 10 dollars (like disney brands and they are original) which costs about 30 dinars here...and there's branded make-up, toiletries, textile, etc...
now i am thinking of opening a shop here...
so like Iman. (have to link here blog here.)

ahhh, plans, pursuits and plain headaches!

No Longer a Tourist in Libya

I have survived one year of living here and to commence life as a stranger - almost ignorant, tourist wannabe, foreigner wife half-localized- in Libya, i attended the Janzour Tourism Festival and caught a glimpse (it is still not Libya in her entirety) of the beauty of this country...

It is my prayer as part of this nation and as a mother raising children who will be partakers of life here, ishallah, that the future generation will make their country even more beautiful and not taint its glory. I hope that the young children now will value education and hard work for it is a sad sight to see the young people, teen agers so well-dressed but with bad manners. I hope and pray that these young men will soon realize that image is not everything and that they don\t have to be like someody else nor everyone else in order to feel good. Feeling good about oneself is not everything either. It is in knowing that one is loved and accepted and that one knows the wisdom of self-discipline. I also hope that we, the mothers will live the kind of life that goes beyond the "natural order"--realizing and living out our purpose of raising truly godly and not just "religious" children, helping them realize their individual purposes as well, and teaching them to dream and pursue the good their heart desires. I pray we plant this seed in the hearts of other mothers as well, give them hope of something that will grow out of their sacrifices..that, if they dare to sacrifice.

Allah bless Libya, her children, her future, and most of all, her mothers.

Wondering, Thanking

Today is a fine day.
Sam is sitting at my right and Leaf at my left. We are on the floor, as i write and as they both try to cuddle with me. I thank God for their good-just-woke-up-mood.

Two days ago i went to another Ob-gyn of another hospital where i decided to give birth since it's closer to our house. I was suffering from a terrible, griping abdominal pain it was almost like labor pain. After some lab tests we found out it was some infection in my UT and the griping pain was actually gas pains or "gazad" according to my mama in law.
The ob was a woman and she's good.

today we are going as usual to Janzour for a weekend at tito Dan's. im excited because there's a Tourism Festival going on there and Sami will get to ride a camel, inshallah.

now for my wonderings....

The Week in Review

my week so far...from saturday march 7 to saturday, march 14...

7th -bday, happy, fun, insightful, blessed

8th- went home to welcome in-laws coming from medical check -up in Tunis
9th-hubby bought lappy (notebook) which i think is his gift for me
10th-mama called with the news that lola (grandmother, my maternal grandma's sister) who is almost 90, still beautiful, looks 60, went to a fortune teller to ask where's the land title that she had misplaced. The FT told her that it is with a chinky eyed, pretty girl who is now abroad and concluded that it's me because there\s no other chinese looking girl in her side of the family who is based abroad...the FT told her the girl (i) did not do it on purpose because the paper happened to be inside the bag that she lent/gave us.

facts: we checked the bag (of course) before we packed the clothes in...three months after we arrived here we sent it back since we know that Lola is almost-borderline-senile-but still physically strong and might "change" her mind about "having given" us her travelling bag and would say she only lent it to us or worse, we stole it, lol.

now she doesn't know where her bag is (which tito brought with him back home) which contains her land title, according to the fortune teller. (sigh)

11th- made list of tugon from the Philippines and left the section "for coming baby" blank
- organized closets and made a mental list of new essetials needed for the bedroom/baby's area

12th- went to janzour for a weekend at tito dan's

- removed my wedding ring from my finger which is getting chubbier and wore the ring as a pendant

13th- got a call from sis in Dubai in need of immediate financial assistance (issued a check for apartment rental due on sunday march 15 and found out that the signatory of the company check they are supposed to encash earlier is in Jordan)

- ever thoughtful, kind and concerned husband of mine secured the cash 12 midnight

14th - 12 noon Tito and husband sent money through Western Union but it was closed already.
- 5pm, dropped tito at Grand Hotel branch and went to my Ob Gynie for my pre natal
- while waiting at the clinic, tito called and asked us to go back to Grand hotel for they only accept 1 thou USD and we are sending 1,500.
- had ultra sound...Sami and Leaf watched the "tv" to see the baby and found out they are going to have a baby sister. I wept with joy...
-went straight to see tito at Grand Hotel so hubby can send the 500...
-news from tito when we arrived: his 500USD was pick-pocketed while waiting in line. second news: he saw the clerk wrote the recipient address: Philippines, assuming that Tito is sending for the Phils.

- for Tito and my hubby it was a very stressful 3-hour journey complaining, reporting the error and going from this branch to the main branch and thinking about the money lost...
-

deep inside i was peaceful, quiet, and happy at the backseat just thinking about the baby in my tummy, despite Leaf's tantrums in the car and that Sami was having diarrhea and was getting car sick...

later on, tito asked about the baby and i think their mood changed as i kept on ranting about the baby...the preparations we need and the blessings knowing that she's going to have a lot of beautiful hand me downs from her cousin KZ in Dubai and the decors for the bedroom, etc.

still it was a blessed day. just as my husband said "money can always be found for it is just money."

The week was basically the usual...events were trivial but oh the insights it brought.

Good Chinese and That Beautiful Souk

I have been craving for chinese food, the real good kind of chinese because i am sick and tired of the 3-minute noodles. I saw one restaurant on the way to Janzour but am not sure if it's really Chinese or Korean. I am looking forward to be treated out by my habibi on my coming birthday. For now, these noodles will do.

And oh we went to the gold souk (either i forgot the name or wasn't told) located at the center of Tripoli and i super love it. Too bad i forgot to bring the camera. It was lovely and so are the gold and silver accesories. I could not wait to go back there and i hope it would be this coming weekend. The advantage of re-discovering "shopping" and in a new place is bent towards the people back home. I am now making a long list of what to send to who (friends and family). And the disadvantage, obviously is the damage it will do to our budget (lol). Good thing though, budget could be re-done/adjusted but a good bargain just could not be missed.

I also am looking forward to checking out stuffs in September and Buslin (? i don't know if that spelled correct) for i was told they have lower price there. I am nesting so this must probably be the reason for a long list of what to buy- bags (for the new baby and me), maternity dresses, crib, some linens, stuffs for the bedroom im planning to re-do (sheets, pillows, wall, carpeting, etc...)

I think i am really going to have a girl this time. My new (male, oh yes) gynie predicted a girl but this March, Inshallah we'll find out. I am a little upset because i could not name the baby Yzoebelle for it should be an Islamic name. I prepared Yusef for a boy but i am still researching for a girl's Islamic name that starts with letter Y but doesn't end in letter I or A. I like Aishaa but i hope i could change the spelling to Yshaa. I don't like Yasmin. I want something meaningful. Aishaa means "life, proseprity, living". And Yzoebelle means "beautiful life."

Ahhh dreams...*sigh*

Heaven to my Heart

I saw these photos from a cd and could not describe well enough the emotions that came rushing through me...

oh how time travels fast, far away from us

though leaving us something close to hold on to.

Memories...

On Libyan Children: A Reply to Comments

This post has been hiding for months in my draft and i guess it is time to publish this.

I have received various answers to questions in my post, To All Libyan Bloggers. The ladies seem to differ in their opinions concerning Libyan children. This is one particular topic i would like to discuss. The quite vast experience i have with a hundred mothers and children here (about 4 sisters in law, 6 aunts in law, 3 family friends, and about 20 young children ages 2-9) made me begin questioning whether kids here are rotten spoiled or plain neglected. The same experience has gradually given me notions on how these little ones are being raised. Thus, based on experiences shared by a lot of us women here in Libya, let me dissect the issue.

Routine
Definitely they do not have a routine nor do they understand the concept of such.We visited one family friend three months after we arrived and at about 9pm, Sami began to be extra-hyperactive and Leaf wailed and wailed. We were in the middle of dinner and my husband explained to his friends that the boys are very sleepy and we have to change their diapers and would be going home right after we finish eating. One of the women asked as if what we're doing is a very strange thing, "Is that like a schedule for them?" I just smiled and explained that they usually act that way when they are sleepy, so they have to be in bed.

I asked my SILs about the sleeping habits of their small boys and they said the boys lie down when the parents are also in bed and that would be about 11 or 12 midnight. Good thing though, they get enough sleep because the kids usually wake up at 11am.The meal time also vary, depending on the mother's availability.

One time i went out with the aunt in law of my husband, we brought our little ones with us to the mall. We have been there four hours already and we haven't given the kids any food to eat even before we left the house. Her boy seems okay and so are Sam and Leaf since they were inside the playhouse. But my tummy was already grumbling since it was almost 9pm. I asked my husband to buy some sandwich, and we ate. When we dropped his aunt home, she asked us to stay for dinner. It was 10pm, my boys are asleep in the car and we just ate.

What i know is that routine should be started at a very early age. Toddlers should understand that there is "time for everything" and that when they begin school, they will not have a hard time following schedules.

"Kali"
This is one word i began to hate the moment my 2 1/2 yr old nephew fell off the stairs and almost broke his nose. It happened barely two months after we arrived and i thought somebody is watching Sami whenever they tell me to let him play with his cousins. I didn't know they run up and down the stairs (that time Sami was still a bit afraid of going up the stairs so he'd rather stay beside me) and the mothers seem proud that their toddlers are becoming "independent." From then on, i refused to let Sami out of the house, go downstairs (we live on the third floor) without an adult with him.

I have been tagged "overprotective" even by my husband but i think i am just being "extra protective" considering the fact that Sami is JUST a TODDLER, beginning to develop balance, and agi lity...what if he is accidentally pushed? Who will i blame? The other toddler because he isn't "disciplined"? What if he touches an open wire (one time i caught one nephew inserting the handle of a teaspoon inside an electric socket.) An accident takes one split second...and i do not like to hear lines like "It is part of life..." or "Sometimes, Allah allows these things to happen...

"Deadly Kiddie Mobile Game"
This is a fact: kids sticking their heads while inside a moving car, babies who can walk are left without seatbelts, playing in the backseat of a moving car, small kids playing in the luggage compartment of a moving car (this happened to Sami, i was trying to pull him and his cousin out and i was told, with a smile, like i am so provincial-coming-from-the-mountains, "kali.")

Their rationale: let the kids discover and learn things...so they will be independent and strong...they said i should not control Sami too much or else he will grow up wild and uncontrollable.

Is this how they let small children learn? By leaving them alone? And in unimaginable places and situations? Without any adult to watch them?

My rationale: i let Sami run around Janzour village, play in the beach and even eat sand...i let them alone in safe places, where i can see them, where i know they will not hurt themselves.

I asked one mother whose son was playing with Sami if she knows where her son is because i could not find the boys inside the house (with about 10 women busy in the kitchen, in the living room getting henna tatoo and having tea) and she just said to me "i don't know..." then i ran out to find the boys already in the sidewalk, one of them about to cross the street (and they are all two year olds!!!!!)

Inside a living room with 5 women, i was busy picking up crawling babies who crawl towards wires (phone wires, tv wires, etc) and nibble on them like teethers...and the women are so out-of-the-room, as if the babies are not there...and they'd tell me not to keep on lifting my one-year old Leaf who climb chairs wanting to play with figurines.

One time i scolded Sami and told him not to go into "that" room and just play in the lawn. I pulled him out and then i was told "kali" again...and that it's okay to let him play in that bedroom. After one minute, i heard a glass broke. Sami broke a large coffee mug that served as pen holders...then i was told, "no problem." But Sami already cut his finger.

We were all visiting a relative who's having a party that night to welcome a baby girl. All five mothers are busy putting on make-up, dressing up while some babies are on the floor crying, and two are in my room, also crying. I was watching all four crying babies including mine...and the women were calling me, "Pinky!" to come and change and put on make-up. I told them later...for how could i leave these babies in the room? One of the women came and had to drag me out of the room and i was straining my neck to see who'll be watching Leaf and the other babies. No one. The door was closed, and there were wires, and tables and too many breakables inside that room. I had to run back and take all the babies and put them on the floor where the women are busy adorning themselves.

Honestly, i am envious of how good-natured and relaxed the women here are. I wish i could be as "relaxed" as them and not worry too much about my children. I wish i could afford to have time to go to dress up, put on make-up, go to parties and leave them to the care (?) of relatives from 9pm (time to prepare them to bed) to 2am...then wake up at 7am (the time my boys wake up.) But then i also do not want to find myself one day wishing that i had given more attention to my children.

What i know is that the first five years are crucial to a child's development. It might be very difficult for them later on to "unlearn" some things they have picked up both consciously and subconsciously when they were little.

Bottomline
While i do not want to be judgemental i also do not want to leave things unspoken for the sake of the little children. In my opinion, most kids here are neglected. I admit i have my own misgivings as a mother and am aware that i can be a pushover mom sometimes, yet i am working on my own issues as i learn.
The truth is that even though these things written are fact-based, the mothers i mentioned love their children in their own special way (only a demented woman doesn't.) Maternal instinct and plain common sense is still evident. I should know that based on how my husband was raised. He grew up to be a gentleman, thoughtful, loving, and caring. And i want my boys to grow up like him. Still, i do not know which played largely in his development - nature or nurture for unlike all the other men/husbands in his family, he is the only one who likes to cook and help a woman in the kitchen. He is the only one who helps his wife vacuum the floor and even take out the garbage. He can even be "abused" by his wife (imagine him a tiger but me a lion, lol) but can still stay silent, strong and secure of himself. Hey wait, i am now tackling a totally different issue here...On Libyan Husbands...now, wouldn't that be another nice topic?
Hmmm, i am now starting to think about it. :)

A Cut Deeper than the Real One

A mother's cut.

Sami smashed his finger two days ago. Feb. 2 at 10 am.
I shut the kitchen door on his chubby little pointer and it bled so bad.
I bled more i think.
He is okay now while i still wrench in pain deep inside
everytime i see his wound a bit moist.
He cries when i change him, when anything touches his swollen finger.
I too hurt as if i didn't stitch up my heart and a little spurt of blood goes.
A spurt of guilt?

I consoled myself with the thought that Sami knows his Mama loves him.
He clang to me for an hour, wailing and breaking my heart.
We both knew it was something else that shut the door on his finger...but not Mama.


Strangely we both had the same dream the night before.
In my dream i was playing the piano. (this may be because i haven't played for almost 2 yrs now)
Sami woke up, went to the kitchen and the first thing he said to me was not "good morning mama" but "Mama, i want piano." I knew he woke up on a dream because he still looked so sleepy. So i said "Okay, we will get the guitar" (we don't have a piano and Sami always calls the guitar "piano") but he said "No Mama, piano like this," showing me his fingers playing an imaginary keyboard. (this may be because of Sesame Street or frequent replays of Tom and Jerry)
I went to get the guitar and let Sami play. But he wanted me to play which is unusual for him. So i played the guitar, Leaf woke up and they both danced as i played and sang. A good 10 minute after i brought them to the kitchen so i can get their breakfast ready. After getting bored with toys, Sami found a styrofoam from a box and started to crumble it. Leaf began to eat the little styro balls. so i began to clean but Leaf tried to "help" me by shoving more balls into his mouth. So i decided to let them out for a while until i finish sweeping the mess off the floor. I was telling them to stay outside the kitchen for a while while i was slowly closing the door. They were smiling, happily looking at me (because Mama always makes them laugh) and then when i shut the door i heard Sami scream. His finger was blue and bleeding. When he saw it, he wailed, "Blohhhhd!!!" And so the drama-slash-action-and a dash of comedy-of-the-day began.

Until today i still have muscle pains from carrying the 18 kilo-Sami all around the house. He won't let go of me and was crying and clinging onto me as i dash from the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom, getting my phone to call Tarek, washing his finger, getting the first aid kit, scooping Leaf who was about to ride on the computer monitor...It was crazy. I was crying too for i bled with my son. But thank God for answered prayers. My sister in law came and helped me out.

Here's another line from Riding in Cars with Boys:

"Sometimes we love people so much, we have to numb it. If we actually felt how much it would kill us."

If it doesn't kill you...

Riding in Cars with Boys (the film) never fails to move me to tears every time i watch it. This time i learned something new that is related to some discovery i had of myself.

The line of Jason, Beverly's son struck something within me. He said, "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you want to die." It is so true to me though leading to a bigger truth of a quote it revised: "If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger." See, in the process of wanting to die i have grown a kind of strength so amazing. I guess there has been some kind of death inside me that allowed something new and better to spring out. As another quote (a favorite of my mother) said: "You can only change yourself, not someone else." In my case, it is the situation that has changed me since i could not change it. It is something similar to "If you can' t beat 'em, join 'em." This probably explains why things seem to be looking better and clearer. I have embraced the pain, accepted the challenge and have gotten into the "fight." Learning as well as tasks become easier and new dreams begin to emerge.
Oh how these quotes warm our cold and melt those fears away! (now that's an original by me *chuckles*)

Been Away and now An Interview

It's been awhile since my last online visits and email checks for i was busy during the Christmas and New Year holidays, baking and taking care of the boys (Sami has colds.) I am happy to receive The Questions from khadijateri on the Interview meme which i joined. It is fun and other than sending me into an introspection, i also remembered my lack of knowledge in blogging. So to Khadijateri, kindly correct some of the instructions which i did not follow quite well. :)

Here are my questions:
1. What made you decide to come to Libya?
My reasons for coming here was to meet my husband's family. We got married in the Philippines and stayed there for four years and i deemed it unfair for my husband to not let his family see his wife and children. Reason two is to "find greener pastures" because one middle class family in the Philippines could not raise funds enough to start a good business there while here in Libya with a good paying job, a family man could thrive well with wise financial management.

2. What was your very first impression of Libya - the impressions you got on your very first day here?
My husband's family, especially his mother is amazing and they still are to me. We were welcomed with a big celebration, our house was ready and complete with all appliances we need, the pantry and fridge are fully stocked, and for our first month we were treated almost like royalties. The people were super accomodating.

3. What do you miss most from home?
Freedom and openess. Sun, sea, sky, malling, swimming and laughters of and with family or friends.

4. What did you expect to find here but didn't (and caused you dissapointment).
Freedom and openess. My husband told me that Libya has become more "open" now to western culture but then i find myself acting and living a certain way that is far from "open" and "westernized." I also expected to be able to leave my boys in the care of family members sometime when i want to go out but could not. It's not that they won't help but it's my own personal issue. I could not find myself able to entrust my boys to the care of family members here. So i am stuck 24/7 with the boys in the house and could only go out whenever my husband is available, that happens about twice or once a month and sometimes never, especially when my unlce is outside Tripoli. To think, back home i always go out with my boys - to visit my parents, go to malls, see friends, do some grocery shopping, etc.

5. How has your life changed since you came here?
I think i have become stronger and wiser. Being used to having a helper back home, I did not expect myself to survive almost 11 months now without a househelp here. I have become more domesticated and quite tamed, with vanities now stripped away from me by choice. My values have changed in such a way that i could not wait to go home and shower my parents with all the love, care and attention that they deserve to receive from a daughter. I am blessed by how Libyan women serve their husbands as well as their parents.


And here's the requisite tag:

If you'd like to play along, just follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.