It is Good

to know that i will get better...it is good.
to know that my good is good enough.
i am good.

on the third night of Eid, we went out to have Hannah's ears pierced. I was so happy to see her so beautiful with those tiny earrings.

God must have lifted me up Himself for i could not lift my burdens unto Him...
you see, my burdens may be not too heavy but my arms and my entirety are too broken
to lift things up to Him.

I was the burden of me.

Now it is time to be grateful for to be well and good is a miracle in itself.

I thank God for my strange silence reached my husband's ears. I thank God for my husband who loves me enough to listen and care even if he doesn't fully understand what's going on.

I thank God for my boys whose smiles, laughters and many talents enable me to live and not be just merely alive.

I thank God for Hannah whose presence in the home is like fresh air and sweet music.

I thank God for age and past experiences wherein i gained the ablitity to be my own shrink.

I thank God for providing innumerable resources not just for survival but for spiritual growth. And thank God for enabling me to be able to reach into them.

I thank God for my eyes that sees the essentials, ears that hears painful truths, and hands that can be still, and evades destruction...

I need not speak of God's glory and grace...my so weak, faint life speaks of HIs glory and grace...

I may moan, complain, bargain and plead...I too have my Gethsemane. But oh the hope of being home makes dying so sweet.

Now i am good for i chose to embrace the darkness until it is visible to others.
And i was blessed with hope for others began to get a glimpse of the shadows of my battles...
I am going home.

To be good is a miracle in itself.

Good Chinese and That Beautiful Souk

I have been craving for chinese food, the real good kind of chinese because i am sick and tired of the 3-minute noodles. I saw one restaurant on the way to Janzour but am not sure if it's really Chinese or Korean. I am looking forward to be treated out by my habibi on my coming birthday. For now, these noodles will do.

And oh we went to the gold souk (either i forgot the name or wasn't told) located at the center of Tripoli and i super love it. Too bad i forgot to bring the camera. It was lovely and so are the gold and silver accesories. I could not wait to go back there and i hope it would be this coming weekend. The advantage of re-discovering "shopping" and in a new place is bent towards the people back home. I am now making a long list of what to send to who (friends and family). And the disadvantage, obviously is the damage it will do to our budget (lol). Good thing though, budget could be re-done/adjusted but a good bargain just could not be missed.

I also am looking forward to checking out stuffs in September and Buslin (? i don't know if that spelled correct) for i was told they have lower price there. I am nesting so this must probably be the reason for a long list of what to buy- bags (for the new baby and me), maternity dresses, crib, some linens, stuffs for the bedroom im planning to re-do (sheets, pillows, wall, carpeting, etc...)

I think i am really going to have a girl this time. My new (male, oh yes) gynie predicted a girl but this March, Inshallah we'll find out. I am a little upset because i could not name the baby Yzoebelle for it should be an Islamic name. I prepared Yusef for a boy but i am still researching for a girl's Islamic name that starts with letter Y but doesn't end in letter I or A. I like Aishaa but i hope i could change the spelling to Yshaa. I don't like Yasmin. I want something meaningful. Aishaa means "life, proseprity, living". And Yzoebelle means "beautiful life."

Ahhh dreams...*sigh*

If it doesn't kill you...

Riding in Cars with Boys (the film) never fails to move me to tears every time i watch it. This time i learned something new that is related to some discovery i had of myself.

The line of Jason, Beverly's son struck something within me. He said, "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you want to die." It is so true to me though leading to a bigger truth of a quote it revised: "If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger." See, in the process of wanting to die i have grown a kind of strength so amazing. I guess there has been some kind of death inside me that allowed something new and better to spring out. As another quote (a favorite of my mother) said: "You can only change yourself, not someone else." In my case, it is the situation that has changed me since i could not change it. It is something similar to "If you can' t beat 'em, join 'em." This probably explains why things seem to be looking better and clearer. I have embraced the pain, accepted the challenge and have gotten into the "fight." Learning as well as tasks become easier and new dreams begin to emerge.
Oh how these quotes warm our cold and melt those fears away! (now that's an original by me *chuckles*)

Tito arrived last saturday. We picked him up at the airport at 2pm after my check up. He brought with him everything listed in my tugons plus dresses, shoes, pink flip flops, and goodies for the boys. We stayed in Janzour from thursday night to monday night and i was quite exhausted running after the boys who kept on climbing over furnitures. There was no mention about "going home."

Mama called last monday and they (she and tito) plan to raise funds so we can go home by April next year. I do not know if my uncle really has this in his mind since he is also planning to get a helper for me in the house. Everything is unclear. Even my OB-GYN said that i will be fine, that there's nothing wrong with my palpitations and shortness of breath and that the baby is fine. I asked her about the heartbeat count but she said there's a heartbeat but it's not yet important as of now (2 months) to know the heart rate of the baby and that her ultrasound doesn't have an audiogram. Well, back in my country my OB-Gyn has a handy audiogram and they get the heartbeat of the fetus as early as 2 months old. She said i will have to wait until i will be 35 weeks. OMG! i could not believe what i just heard. Some babies do get distressed earlier than that...but i have no choice but to "trust" her.

It's getting colder and closer to CHristmas...i feel older and so far from home.

Could Not Help Myself

I had to tell my mother about my pregnancy.

She called me early this morning wanting to know what kind of shoes, dress, undies (color, design, etc.) i want. So i told her. After the phone conversation i could not help feeling guilty. Those things she will be sending through tito might not fit me a few months from now and i thought she deserves to know now. After all, she's not just my mother, she's also my friend. (sigh...)

So what was expected to happen did happen during the phone conversation with mama. She immediately told me to "come home and give birth here." She said they (she and papa) will support us (that means pay for hospital/delivery expenses) and will provide a job for Tarek, etc. I know she's so worried. She began to plan for me...our trip, the date, the job that will be waiting for me after i take the Teacher's Board exam, the boys' nanny...it was almost an endless list until we were cut off for she has probably exhausted her cellphone load. I had to call her, to reassure her that everything will be just fine here and we should not make drastic decisions because it might not be wise to go home yet. We left to seek "greener pastures" and with hope to come back with some "seeds to grow" to sustain our family there. I cannot imagine going back bringing with us greater needs and more loads for others to carry. Everything has to be carefully planned and prayed for.

I know that a baby is a gift from God and along with this come grace, provision of needs and protection from dangers and diseases. Yet along with this too come changes, and probably a divine direction we may not understand but need to trust. Maybe going home will provide for us better opportunities, more safety and better health. Though everything we need materially is met here, i do not know if the boys' need for a healthy and ever available mother will continually be met, considering my very stressful situation. Still i hold on to God's grace, availing of it everyday. I also never ceased to hope that the sacrifices im making will soon be rewarded. If we are going home soon, then this hope shines even brighter. If not, then God's grace will abound in my life here.

On a day like this

When the boys are extra challenging, when back pains and migraine headache attack, when i couldn't seem to care less about piles of laundry and dirty dishes yet deep inside i am already tired just thinking about it, when a second after i scrubbed the kitchen floor the boys spit carrots and spilled milk under the table...screams and cries, and the fetus inside me also seem to complain through my abdominal pains...Days like these make me want to go home, and review my values, my dreams, my priorities. They seem to tangle and entangle me, leaving me all in knots. Or this is just a hormonal thing...Should i say "my hormones want me to go home?"

This is another crazy day just like any other day. I live in a country led by a man known to be quite disorriented and yet who knows that his being could be instrumental to leading my family to financial freedom...and eventually we can go back to my country. I do not know how much would be this "oil money" he talked of giving to the citizens of this country by next year, but im pretty sure it would be quite a sum. I am sad for most people here though since i am pretty sure this "oil money" will vanish like smoke in the hands of the equally disorriented. On the other hand, who knows he might change his mind again and save the people from chaos. I am now venting my anger like screaming on top of my lungs on top of a mountain overlooking a beautiful landscape, a dream that i could not touch. I do not know what i am exactly talking about right now. I am just angry. I am running out of patience. I am on the verge of ...

TRYING TO KEEP SANE
I am trying to recall what kept me strong, sane and serene in the past nine months i am here. Or perhaps i was all along weak, deluded, and troubled masking the seething anger beneath another persona? The boys may be keeping me busy everyday but this is the loneliest existence i have ever known in my life. To keep myself from regressing, i planned on getting a job only to end up being offered 800 dinars because this is the salary locals receive. The interview went like this:

Position for Secretary in an Oil Company
Mr R: So you are married?
Me: Yes sir
Mr R: To a Filipino?
Me: To a Libyan
Mr R: You met in the Philippines or here?
Me: We met in my country, lived there for four years...we have 2 little boys now and are living with my husband's family here
Mr R: Oh so the family accepted you?
Me: Why not sir? They are an amazing people
Mr R: Are they really from Libya or from other towns?
Me: My father in law is originally from Slitton but he grew up and raised his family here in Tripoli
Mr R: So how do you find Libya? Do you like it here?
Me: I like my husband's family, i cannot say anything yet about Libya in general because i haven't seen it's entirety yet...not even the people.
Mr R: (reviewing my CV) so you worked as _____before? what exactly does this "traffic department" means (referring to my previous job in a telecommunications company)
Me: It's where telephone operators work...
Mr R: (interrupting me) so how much salary do you expect to receive from this company?
Me: I expect to receive the same as Filipino workers are receiving monthly, including other benefits
Mr R: But oh, you are a Libyan now, you are married to a Libyan
Me: I am still a Filipino sir...how much are you offering sir?
Mr R: (sigh) hmmm, 800
Me: Is that dollar or dinar?
Mr R: Dinar
Me: (sigh and smile, no answer)
Mr R: Well that should be enough for you. 800 dinar is a good amount to earn, and you get to work than stay in the house watching your kids, you also get to treat them outside sometimes.
Me: I need to WEIGH my options sir...my priorities are my boys and i do not know if this amount will compensate for a long daily absence in the home.
Mr R: Yes, you will WAIT, we will call you.
Me: (i knew he did not hear me right) Sir i will WEIGH things first (talking with my hands demonstrating "weighing")
Mr R: (still did not get it) Ok, we will call you
Me: Thank you sir (stood up and went out.)

A month after they called me and asked if i am still interested to take the job. I said if the offer is the same, i cannot take it. I want to receive the same salary as the other Filipinos are receiving. Besides, they do not even have to pay for my visa, for air fare, etc...and they will be getting the same quality of service professionals are giving the company. I knew that they're looking for Filipinos and even hiring from the Philippines, so why treat me like the locals? And why are locals treated like this? It is not fair.

The next day after that call, i was informed that the management staff are going to deliberate on the bargain i asked for then they will call me again afterwards. I kept my cool and said, okay. I have actualy decided it's not worth it. Besides it's not really my field. I will just wait for my TOR and apply as a pre school/music teacher. Two weeks after this decision, I found out im pregnant.

NOW THE CHANGES
I know i could not work now that i am pregnant. Both my previous pregnancies were difficult and i had to rest in bed for months. I had a delicate pregnancy with Sami, a little stress and i have spotting. With Leaf, i had placenta previa and had to stay in bed for months. I had a C section with Leaf and lost a lot of blood. My doctor told me to have one last pregnancy, schedule a C section and then she will have to tie my tubes. I could not take pills because i have become hypertensive, nor could an IUD be attached in me.
Now i have a new Ob-Gyne (of Libyan Swiss clinic) and she doesn't recommend tying my tubes. I complained about my abdominal pain but unlike my Ob-Gyne in the Philippines, she did not give me any medications. I told her my medical history and she told me just to take it easy and it is no problem going up and down the stairs (three storey flight.)
And this also makes me want to go home. I felt more pampered there even by my Ob-Gyne.

LIGHT BULB AND FLICKER OF HOPE
I didn't knew Ahlam was a creative woman and has a home-based wedding crafts business. We visited her last week and she showed me a sample of her craft which earned her a thousand dinars for an order of 200 pcs. Considering the cost of materials, one can earn only about 200 dollars with an order of 200pcs in the Philippines. So we talked business, since i also used to do the same thing back home and i can provide for her some materials from the Philippines which cost a lot cheaper. Since my uncle is coming back soon, i also added to my list of tugons the materials that Ahlam asked for. This is a blessing if ever this will be pushed through. Ahlam can come over the house or i go to her place with the boys sometimes so we can do the crafts together...or just divide the work load. I also asked her to help me find buyers for the pearl jewelries tito Dan is bringing from home. This will help augment our income or maintain it if we decide to hire a helper (just in case my pregnancy will be another difficult one.)

So mixed are my emotions today that i want to eat green apples dipped in venigar and salt.