On Libyan Children: A Reply to Comments

This post has been hiding for months in my draft and i guess it is time to publish this.

I have received various answers to questions in my post, To All Libyan Bloggers. The ladies seem to differ in their opinions concerning Libyan children. This is one particular topic i would like to discuss. The quite vast experience i have with a hundred mothers and children here (about 4 sisters in law, 6 aunts in law, 3 family friends, and about 20 young children ages 2-9) made me begin questioning whether kids here are rotten spoiled or plain neglected. The same experience has gradually given me notions on how these little ones are being raised. Thus, based on experiences shared by a lot of us women here in Libya, let me dissect the issue.

Routine
Definitely they do not have a routine nor do they understand the concept of such.We visited one family friend three months after we arrived and at about 9pm, Sami began to be extra-hyperactive and Leaf wailed and wailed. We were in the middle of dinner and my husband explained to his friends that the boys are very sleepy and we have to change their diapers and would be going home right after we finish eating. One of the women asked as if what we're doing is a very strange thing, "Is that like a schedule for them?" I just smiled and explained that they usually act that way when they are sleepy, so they have to be in bed.

I asked my SILs about the sleeping habits of their small boys and they said the boys lie down when the parents are also in bed and that would be about 11 or 12 midnight. Good thing though, they get enough sleep because the kids usually wake up at 11am.The meal time also vary, depending on the mother's availability.

One time i went out with the aunt in law of my husband, we brought our little ones with us to the mall. We have been there four hours already and we haven't given the kids any food to eat even before we left the house. Her boy seems okay and so are Sam and Leaf since they were inside the playhouse. But my tummy was already grumbling since it was almost 9pm. I asked my husband to buy some sandwich, and we ate. When we dropped his aunt home, she asked us to stay for dinner. It was 10pm, my boys are asleep in the car and we just ate.

What i know is that routine should be started at a very early age. Toddlers should understand that there is "time for everything" and that when they begin school, they will not have a hard time following schedules.

"Kali"
This is one word i began to hate the moment my 2 1/2 yr old nephew fell off the stairs and almost broke his nose. It happened barely two months after we arrived and i thought somebody is watching Sami whenever they tell me to let him play with his cousins. I didn't know they run up and down the stairs (that time Sami was still a bit afraid of going up the stairs so he'd rather stay beside me) and the mothers seem proud that their toddlers are becoming "independent." From then on, i refused to let Sami out of the house, go downstairs (we live on the third floor) without an adult with him.

I have been tagged "overprotective" even by my husband but i think i am just being "extra protective" considering the fact that Sami is JUST a TODDLER, beginning to develop balance, and agi lity...what if he is accidentally pushed? Who will i blame? The other toddler because he isn't "disciplined"? What if he touches an open wire (one time i caught one nephew inserting the handle of a teaspoon inside an electric socket.) An accident takes one split second...and i do not like to hear lines like "It is part of life..." or "Sometimes, Allah allows these things to happen...

"Deadly Kiddie Mobile Game"
This is a fact: kids sticking their heads while inside a moving car, babies who can walk are left without seatbelts, playing in the backseat of a moving car, small kids playing in the luggage compartment of a moving car (this happened to Sami, i was trying to pull him and his cousin out and i was told, with a smile, like i am so provincial-coming-from-the-mountains, "kali.")

Their rationale: let the kids discover and learn things...so they will be independent and strong...they said i should not control Sami too much or else he will grow up wild and uncontrollable.

Is this how they let small children learn? By leaving them alone? And in unimaginable places and situations? Without any adult to watch them?

My rationale: i let Sami run around Janzour village, play in the beach and even eat sand...i let them alone in safe places, where i can see them, where i know they will not hurt themselves.

I asked one mother whose son was playing with Sami if she knows where her son is because i could not find the boys inside the house (with about 10 women busy in the kitchen, in the living room getting henna tatoo and having tea) and she just said to me "i don't know..." then i ran out to find the boys already in the sidewalk, one of them about to cross the street (and they are all two year olds!!!!!)

Inside a living room with 5 women, i was busy picking up crawling babies who crawl towards wires (phone wires, tv wires, etc) and nibble on them like teethers...and the women are so out-of-the-room, as if the babies are not there...and they'd tell me not to keep on lifting my one-year old Leaf who climb chairs wanting to play with figurines.

One time i scolded Sami and told him not to go into "that" room and just play in the lawn. I pulled him out and then i was told "kali" again...and that it's okay to let him play in that bedroom. After one minute, i heard a glass broke. Sami broke a large coffee mug that served as pen holders...then i was told, "no problem." But Sami already cut his finger.

We were all visiting a relative who's having a party that night to welcome a baby girl. All five mothers are busy putting on make-up, dressing up while some babies are on the floor crying, and two are in my room, also crying. I was watching all four crying babies including mine...and the women were calling me, "Pinky!" to come and change and put on make-up. I told them later...for how could i leave these babies in the room? One of the women came and had to drag me out of the room and i was straining my neck to see who'll be watching Leaf and the other babies. No one. The door was closed, and there were wires, and tables and too many breakables inside that room. I had to run back and take all the babies and put them on the floor where the women are busy adorning themselves.

Honestly, i am envious of how good-natured and relaxed the women here are. I wish i could be as "relaxed" as them and not worry too much about my children. I wish i could afford to have time to go to dress up, put on make-up, go to parties and leave them to the care (?) of relatives from 9pm (time to prepare them to bed) to 2am...then wake up at 7am (the time my boys wake up.) But then i also do not want to find myself one day wishing that i had given more attention to my children.

What i know is that the first five years are crucial to a child's development. It might be very difficult for them later on to "unlearn" some things they have picked up both consciously and subconsciously when they were little.

Bottomline
While i do not want to be judgemental i also do not want to leave things unspoken for the sake of the little children. In my opinion, most kids here are neglected. I admit i have my own misgivings as a mother and am aware that i can be a pushover mom sometimes, yet i am working on my own issues as i learn.
The truth is that even though these things written are fact-based, the mothers i mentioned love their children in their own special way (only a demented woman doesn't.) Maternal instinct and plain common sense is still evident. I should know that based on how my husband was raised. He grew up to be a gentleman, thoughtful, loving, and caring. And i want my boys to grow up like him. Still, i do not know which played largely in his development - nature or nurture for unlike all the other men/husbands in his family, he is the only one who likes to cook and help a woman in the kitchen. He is the only one who helps his wife vacuum the floor and even take out the garbage. He can even be "abused" by his wife (imagine him a tiger but me a lion, lol) but can still stay silent, strong and secure of himself. Hey wait, i am now tackling a totally different issue here...On Libyan Husbands...now, wouldn't that be another nice topic?
Hmmm, i am now starting to think about it. :)