A Cut Deeper than the Real One

A mother's cut.

Sami smashed his finger two days ago. Feb. 2 at 10 am.
I shut the kitchen door on his chubby little pointer and it bled so bad.
I bled more i think.
He is okay now while i still wrench in pain deep inside
everytime i see his wound a bit moist.
He cries when i change him, when anything touches his swollen finger.
I too hurt as if i didn't stitch up my heart and a little spurt of blood goes.
A spurt of guilt?

I consoled myself with the thought that Sami knows his Mama loves him.
He clang to me for an hour, wailing and breaking my heart.
We both knew it was something else that shut the door on his finger...but not Mama.


Strangely we both had the same dream the night before.
In my dream i was playing the piano. (this may be because i haven't played for almost 2 yrs now)
Sami woke up, went to the kitchen and the first thing he said to me was not "good morning mama" but "Mama, i want piano." I knew he woke up on a dream because he still looked so sleepy. So i said "Okay, we will get the guitar" (we don't have a piano and Sami always calls the guitar "piano") but he said "No Mama, piano like this," showing me his fingers playing an imaginary keyboard. (this may be because of Sesame Street or frequent replays of Tom and Jerry)
I went to get the guitar and let Sami play. But he wanted me to play which is unusual for him. So i played the guitar, Leaf woke up and they both danced as i played and sang. A good 10 minute after i brought them to the kitchen so i can get their breakfast ready. After getting bored with toys, Sami found a styrofoam from a box and started to crumble it. Leaf began to eat the little styro balls. so i began to clean but Leaf tried to "help" me by shoving more balls into his mouth. So i decided to let them out for a while until i finish sweeping the mess off the floor. I was telling them to stay outside the kitchen for a while while i was slowly closing the door. They were smiling, happily looking at me (because Mama always makes them laugh) and then when i shut the door i heard Sami scream. His finger was blue and bleeding. When he saw it, he wailed, "Blohhhhd!!!" And so the drama-slash-action-and a dash of comedy-of-the-day began.

Until today i still have muscle pains from carrying the 18 kilo-Sami all around the house. He won't let go of me and was crying and clinging onto me as i dash from the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom, getting my phone to call Tarek, washing his finger, getting the first aid kit, scooping Leaf who was about to ride on the computer monitor...It was crazy. I was crying too for i bled with my son. But thank God for answered prayers. My sister in law came and helped me out.

Here's another line from Riding in Cars with Boys:

"Sometimes we love people so much, we have to numb it. If we actually felt how much it would kill us."