On a day like this

When the boys are extra challenging, when back pains and migraine headache attack, when i couldn't seem to care less about piles of laundry and dirty dishes yet deep inside i am already tired just thinking about it, when a second after i scrubbed the kitchen floor the boys spit carrots and spilled milk under the table...screams and cries, and the fetus inside me also seem to complain through my abdominal pains...Days like these make me want to go home, and review my values, my dreams, my priorities. They seem to tangle and entangle me, leaving me all in knots. Or this is just a hormonal thing...Should i say "my hormones want me to go home?"

This is another crazy day just like any other day. I live in a country led by a man known to be quite disorriented and yet who knows that his being could be instrumental to leading my family to financial freedom...and eventually we can go back to my country. I do not know how much would be this "oil money" he talked of giving to the citizens of this country by next year, but im pretty sure it would be quite a sum. I am sad for most people here though since i am pretty sure this "oil money" will vanish like smoke in the hands of the equally disorriented. On the other hand, who knows he might change his mind again and save the people from chaos. I am now venting my anger like screaming on top of my lungs on top of a mountain overlooking a beautiful landscape, a dream that i could not touch. I do not know what i am exactly talking about right now. I am just angry. I am running out of patience. I am on the verge of ...

TRYING TO KEEP SANE
I am trying to recall what kept me strong, sane and serene in the past nine months i am here. Or perhaps i was all along weak, deluded, and troubled masking the seething anger beneath another persona? The boys may be keeping me busy everyday but this is the loneliest existence i have ever known in my life. To keep myself from regressing, i planned on getting a job only to end up being offered 800 dinars because this is the salary locals receive. The interview went like this:

Position for Secretary in an Oil Company
Mr R: So you are married?
Me: Yes sir
Mr R: To a Filipino?
Me: To a Libyan
Mr R: You met in the Philippines or here?
Me: We met in my country, lived there for four years...we have 2 little boys now and are living with my husband's family here
Mr R: Oh so the family accepted you?
Me: Why not sir? They are an amazing people
Mr R: Are they really from Libya or from other towns?
Me: My father in law is originally from Slitton but he grew up and raised his family here in Tripoli
Mr R: So how do you find Libya? Do you like it here?
Me: I like my husband's family, i cannot say anything yet about Libya in general because i haven't seen it's entirety yet...not even the people.
Mr R: (reviewing my CV) so you worked as _____before? what exactly does this "traffic department" means (referring to my previous job in a telecommunications company)
Me: It's where telephone operators work...
Mr R: (interrupting me) so how much salary do you expect to receive from this company?
Me: I expect to receive the same as Filipino workers are receiving monthly, including other benefits
Mr R: But oh, you are a Libyan now, you are married to a Libyan
Me: I am still a Filipino sir...how much are you offering sir?
Mr R: (sigh) hmmm, 800
Me: Is that dollar or dinar?
Mr R: Dinar
Me: (sigh and smile, no answer)
Mr R: Well that should be enough for you. 800 dinar is a good amount to earn, and you get to work than stay in the house watching your kids, you also get to treat them outside sometimes.
Me: I need to WEIGH my options sir...my priorities are my boys and i do not know if this amount will compensate for a long daily absence in the home.
Mr R: Yes, you will WAIT, we will call you.
Me: (i knew he did not hear me right) Sir i will WEIGH things first (talking with my hands demonstrating "weighing")
Mr R: (still did not get it) Ok, we will call you
Me: Thank you sir (stood up and went out.)

A month after they called me and asked if i am still interested to take the job. I said if the offer is the same, i cannot take it. I want to receive the same salary as the other Filipinos are receiving. Besides, they do not even have to pay for my visa, for air fare, etc...and they will be getting the same quality of service professionals are giving the company. I knew that they're looking for Filipinos and even hiring from the Philippines, so why treat me like the locals? And why are locals treated like this? It is not fair.

The next day after that call, i was informed that the management staff are going to deliberate on the bargain i asked for then they will call me again afterwards. I kept my cool and said, okay. I have actualy decided it's not worth it. Besides it's not really my field. I will just wait for my TOR and apply as a pre school/music teacher. Two weeks after this decision, I found out im pregnant.

NOW THE CHANGES
I know i could not work now that i am pregnant. Both my previous pregnancies were difficult and i had to rest in bed for months. I had a delicate pregnancy with Sami, a little stress and i have spotting. With Leaf, i had placenta previa and had to stay in bed for months. I had a C section with Leaf and lost a lot of blood. My doctor told me to have one last pregnancy, schedule a C section and then she will have to tie my tubes. I could not take pills because i have become hypertensive, nor could an IUD be attached in me.
Now i have a new Ob-Gyne (of Libyan Swiss clinic) and she doesn't recommend tying my tubes. I complained about my abdominal pain but unlike my Ob-Gyne in the Philippines, she did not give me any medications. I told her my medical history and she told me just to take it easy and it is no problem going up and down the stairs (three storey flight.)
And this also makes me want to go home. I felt more pampered there even by my Ob-Gyne.

LIGHT BULB AND FLICKER OF HOPE
I didn't knew Ahlam was a creative woman and has a home-based wedding crafts business. We visited her last week and she showed me a sample of her craft which earned her a thousand dinars for an order of 200 pcs. Considering the cost of materials, one can earn only about 200 dollars with an order of 200pcs in the Philippines. So we talked business, since i also used to do the same thing back home and i can provide for her some materials from the Philippines which cost a lot cheaper. Since my uncle is coming back soon, i also added to my list of tugons the materials that Ahlam asked for. This is a blessing if ever this will be pushed through. Ahlam can come over the house or i go to her place with the boys sometimes so we can do the crafts together...or just divide the work load. I also asked her to help me find buyers for the pearl jewelries tito Dan is bringing from home. This will help augment our income or maintain it if we decide to hire a helper (just in case my pregnancy will be another difficult one.)

So mixed are my emotions today that i want to eat green apples dipped in venigar and salt.