Could Not Help Myself

I had to tell my mother about my pregnancy.

She called me early this morning wanting to know what kind of shoes, dress, undies (color, design, etc.) i want. So i told her. After the phone conversation i could not help feeling guilty. Those things she will be sending through tito might not fit me a few months from now and i thought she deserves to know now. After all, she's not just my mother, she's also my friend. (sigh...)

So what was expected to happen did happen during the phone conversation with mama. She immediately told me to "come home and give birth here." She said they (she and papa) will support us (that means pay for hospital/delivery expenses) and will provide a job for Tarek, etc. I know she's so worried. She began to plan for me...our trip, the date, the job that will be waiting for me after i take the Teacher's Board exam, the boys' nanny...it was almost an endless list until we were cut off for she has probably exhausted her cellphone load. I had to call her, to reassure her that everything will be just fine here and we should not make drastic decisions because it might not be wise to go home yet. We left to seek "greener pastures" and with hope to come back with some "seeds to grow" to sustain our family there. I cannot imagine going back bringing with us greater needs and more loads for others to carry. Everything has to be carefully planned and prayed for.

I know that a baby is a gift from God and along with this come grace, provision of needs and protection from dangers and diseases. Yet along with this too come changes, and probably a divine direction we may not understand but need to trust. Maybe going home will provide for us better opportunities, more safety and better health. Though everything we need materially is met here, i do not know if the boys' need for a healthy and ever available mother will continually be met, considering my very stressful situation. Still i hold on to God's grace, availing of it everyday. I also never ceased to hope that the sacrifices im making will soon be rewarded. If we are going home soon, then this hope shines even brighter. If not, then God's grace will abound in my life here.