A Cut Deeper than the Real One

A mother's cut.

Sami smashed his finger two days ago. Feb. 2 at 10 am.
I shut the kitchen door on his chubby little pointer and it bled so bad.
I bled more i think.
He is okay now while i still wrench in pain deep inside
everytime i see his wound a bit moist.
He cries when i change him, when anything touches his swollen finger.
I too hurt as if i didn't stitch up my heart and a little spurt of blood goes.
A spurt of guilt?

I consoled myself with the thought that Sami knows his Mama loves him.
He clang to me for an hour, wailing and breaking my heart.
We both knew it was something else that shut the door on his finger...but not Mama.


Strangely we both had the same dream the night before.
In my dream i was playing the piano. (this may be because i haven't played for almost 2 yrs now)
Sami woke up, went to the kitchen and the first thing he said to me was not "good morning mama" but "Mama, i want piano." I knew he woke up on a dream because he still looked so sleepy. So i said "Okay, we will get the guitar" (we don't have a piano and Sami always calls the guitar "piano") but he said "No Mama, piano like this," showing me his fingers playing an imaginary keyboard. (this may be because of Sesame Street or frequent replays of Tom and Jerry)
I went to get the guitar and let Sami play. But he wanted me to play which is unusual for him. So i played the guitar, Leaf woke up and they both danced as i played and sang. A good 10 minute after i brought them to the kitchen so i can get their breakfast ready. After getting bored with toys, Sami found a styrofoam from a box and started to crumble it. Leaf began to eat the little styro balls. so i began to clean but Leaf tried to "help" me by shoving more balls into his mouth. So i decided to let them out for a while until i finish sweeping the mess off the floor. I was telling them to stay outside the kitchen for a while while i was slowly closing the door. They were smiling, happily looking at me (because Mama always makes them laugh) and then when i shut the door i heard Sami scream. His finger was blue and bleeding. When he saw it, he wailed, "Blohhhhd!!!" And so the drama-slash-action-and a dash of comedy-of-the-day began.

Until today i still have muscle pains from carrying the 18 kilo-Sami all around the house. He won't let go of me and was crying and clinging onto me as i dash from the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom, getting my phone to call Tarek, washing his finger, getting the first aid kit, scooping Leaf who was about to ride on the computer monitor...It was crazy. I was crying too for i bled with my son. But thank God for answered prayers. My sister in law came and helped me out.

Here's another line from Riding in Cars with Boys:

"Sometimes we love people so much, we have to numb it. If we actually felt how much it would kill us."

If it doesn't kill you...

Riding in Cars with Boys (the film) never fails to move me to tears every time i watch it. This time i learned something new that is related to some discovery i had of myself.

The line of Jason, Beverly's son struck something within me. He said, "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you want to die." It is so true to me though leading to a bigger truth of a quote it revised: "If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger." See, in the process of wanting to die i have grown a kind of strength so amazing. I guess there has been some kind of death inside me that allowed something new and better to spring out. As another quote (a favorite of my mother) said: "You can only change yourself, not someone else." In my case, it is the situation that has changed me since i could not change it. It is something similar to "If you can' t beat 'em, join 'em." This probably explains why things seem to be looking better and clearer. I have embraced the pain, accepted the challenge and have gotten into the "fight." Learning as well as tasks become easier and new dreams begin to emerge.
Oh how these quotes warm our cold and melt those fears away! (now that's an original by me *chuckles*)

Been Away and now An Interview

It's been awhile since my last online visits and email checks for i was busy during the Christmas and New Year holidays, baking and taking care of the boys (Sami has colds.) I am happy to receive The Questions from khadijateri on the Interview meme which i joined. It is fun and other than sending me into an introspection, i also remembered my lack of knowledge in blogging. So to Khadijateri, kindly correct some of the instructions which i did not follow quite well. :)

Here are my questions:
1. What made you decide to come to Libya?
My reasons for coming here was to meet my husband's family. We got married in the Philippines and stayed there for four years and i deemed it unfair for my husband to not let his family see his wife and children. Reason two is to "find greener pastures" because one middle class family in the Philippines could not raise funds enough to start a good business there while here in Libya with a good paying job, a family man could thrive well with wise financial management.

2. What was your very first impression of Libya - the impressions you got on your very first day here?
My husband's family, especially his mother is amazing and they still are to me. We were welcomed with a big celebration, our house was ready and complete with all appliances we need, the pantry and fridge are fully stocked, and for our first month we were treated almost like royalties. The people were super accomodating.

3. What do you miss most from home?
Freedom and openess. Sun, sea, sky, malling, swimming and laughters of and with family or friends.

4. What did you expect to find here but didn't (and caused you dissapointment).
Freedom and openess. My husband told me that Libya has become more "open" now to western culture but then i find myself acting and living a certain way that is far from "open" and "westernized." I also expected to be able to leave my boys in the care of family members sometime when i want to go out but could not. It's not that they won't help but it's my own personal issue. I could not find myself able to entrust my boys to the care of family members here. So i am stuck 24/7 with the boys in the house and could only go out whenever my husband is available, that happens about twice or once a month and sometimes never, especially when my unlce is outside Tripoli. To think, back home i always go out with my boys - to visit my parents, go to malls, see friends, do some grocery shopping, etc.

5. How has your life changed since you came here?
I think i have become stronger and wiser. Being used to having a helper back home, I did not expect myself to survive almost 11 months now without a househelp here. I have become more domesticated and quite tamed, with vanities now stripped away from me by choice. My values have changed in such a way that i could not wait to go home and shower my parents with all the love, care and attention that they deserve to receive from a daughter. I am blessed by how Libyan women serve their husbands as well as their parents.


And here's the requisite tag:

If you'd like to play along, just follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.