It is Good

to know that i will get better...it is good.
to know that my good is good enough.
i am good.

on the third night of Eid, we went out to have Hannah's ears pierced. I was so happy to see her so beautiful with those tiny earrings.

God must have lifted me up Himself for i could not lift my burdens unto Him...
you see, my burdens may be not too heavy but my arms and my entirety are too broken
to lift things up to Him.

I was the burden of me.

Now it is time to be grateful for to be well and good is a miracle in itself.

I thank God for my strange silence reached my husband's ears. I thank God for my husband who loves me enough to listen and care even if he doesn't fully understand what's going on.

I thank God for my boys whose smiles, laughters and many talents enable me to live and not be just merely alive.

I thank God for Hannah whose presence in the home is like fresh air and sweet music.

I thank God for age and past experiences wherein i gained the ablitity to be my own shrink.

I thank God for providing innumerable resources not just for survival but for spiritual growth. And thank God for enabling me to be able to reach into them.

I thank God for my eyes that sees the essentials, ears that hears painful truths, and hands that can be still, and evades destruction...

I need not speak of God's glory and grace...my so weak, faint life speaks of HIs glory and grace...

I may moan, complain, bargain and plead...I too have my Gethsemane. But oh the hope of being home makes dying so sweet.

Now i am good for i chose to embrace the darkness until it is visible to others.
And i was blessed with hope for others began to get a glimpse of the shadows of my battles...
I am going home.

To be good is a miracle in itself.

Mother's Day

cried buckets last night. yes, again.
i don't know why after every fun and action-filled weekend i tend to get depressed. perhaps it's the physical stress taking its toll...or perhaps, as i always suspect, its the pregnancy hormones. Or the anxiety of still not having a house help and the approaching delivery of the baby. I wonder how i will be able to juggle all the responsibilities, house work, child care, etc. later on- ALONE, with two toddler boys, and an infant. with their routine/sked, will i have time to eat or cook my own meal???? will i have time to rest? and oh, the possibility of post partum blues....and i am alone at home. i could not expect my mom in-law to come up here to help me for she's been very sickly lately plus her youngest daughter is also expecting a baby girl this month.

will somebody tell me, if it is true that women in the old times, and most Libyan women up to now have survived and some even without getting sick, child rearing and home-keeping ALONE????? husband told me its normal for women here, their minds are programmed for motherhood....like his mother, raising 6 children all by herself (the first three boys are only a year apart from each other, followed by two girls after two years) IS THIS TRUE? Because i DO NOT THINK SO. There must be some help somehow...sister, mother, brother, aunt...I AM SURE of this since i know how it is to be ALONE at home, and taking care of very small children...well, unless the mother is NOT REALLY taking care of the kids but just LETTING NATURE do it's job...since as husband said, it is a NATURAL THING>>>>hah! Natural? True perhaps to those who have families around and who live in their own country....

I am angry...very angry. And as much as i love my babies, i hate this idea of motherhood- that a mom has to do it all. I want a helper!!!! And i want her now. Or before i give birth. Imagine even airlines have to limit the weight of handcarried bagage of pregnant women...while i here have to constantly lift a weight of 25 kilos DAILY!!! and bend to wash diaper areas, and run after a toddler about to pour juice on the floor..or referee two roddlers fighting and being get hit instead. action-filled...and i feel like a casualty already.

though there is Grace as always...i pray for Wisdom to come to people around me. The wisdom to know the importance of Now- what is the need of the moment. Because no matter how much one has saved and "kept" and worked hard for for the future, these will all evaporate in a moment of some loss due to neglect of one important thing: the Life of Someone, Now. In as much as i do not want to neglect ME for the purpose of saving more energy and "life" for the future of my family, i have no choice...because i have no help. So far, this is not really LIVING but only SURVIVING. This is fighting to stay alive...and SANE.

Anyone who had to leave her own country, her loves and life to embrace another "love and life", had to live alone, dependent of someone, not knowing or being able to do anything except to watch her own children, struggle emotionally, having no outlet for her feelings and thoughts, no real friends who will be there for her, no one to really understand her...her pains, physical aches, fears and anxieties, having to eat alone (and sometimes choking on tears...) She may get what she wants sometimes but never what she needs...she ends the day in tears, so tired and worn out she could not even sleep...and wishes she wakes up in another place and time...because she still wants to wake up for the sake of her children...Anyone who's been here is the ONLY one who will truly understand.

This is my voice. Only here I can speak. I know I am heard. I wish I am understood. I hope for a touch...

Bath takes the Blues Away

I have recently developed a new philosophy after an experience of severe melancholia/emotional sensitivity to anything due to over-stretching myself. It's the seasonal blues, not literally brought by season change but by perhaps hormonal change or just phase-changes like that of the moon. Momental lunacy? Ahhh whatever was the cause, i decided to take a long warm shower and a tub soak. The effect was instant. I felt better after a three-day-pouring-out-of-trash. And i am ready for more trash again.

Strangely, the next day i found Romana's words so true.

I began to feel the need to connect with women- occasional lunatics, moms, housewives, givers...and of course, speakers of language i could speak. I still cannot relate well to the women in my family here so i tend to stay up here on the 3rd floor the entire week and see them for a few minutes on a day we are about to go to Janzour. Oh my sad existence.
But the bath, the soak, water, suds and bubbles...and the luxury of 30 minutes alone - it was a blessing that came at 12 midnight.

No Longer a Tourist in Libya

I have survived one year of living here and to commence life as a stranger - almost ignorant, tourist wannabe, foreigner wife half-localized- in Libya, i attended the Janzour Tourism Festival and caught a glimpse (it is still not Libya in her entirety) of the beauty of this country...

It is my prayer as part of this nation and as a mother raising children who will be partakers of life here, ishallah, that the future generation will make their country even more beautiful and not taint its glory. I hope that the young children now will value education and hard work for it is a sad sight to see the young people, teen agers so well-dressed but with bad manners. I hope and pray that these young men will soon realize that image is not everything and that they don\t have to be like someody else nor everyone else in order to feel good. Feeling good about oneself is not everything either. It is in knowing that one is loved and accepted and that one knows the wisdom of self-discipline. I also hope that we, the mothers will live the kind of life that goes beyond the "natural order"--realizing and living out our purpose of raising truly godly and not just "religious" children, helping them realize their individual purposes as well, and teaching them to dream and pursue the good their heart desires. I pray we plant this seed in the hearts of other mothers as well, give them hope of something that will grow out of their sacrifices..that, if they dare to sacrifice.

Allah bless Libya, her children, her future, and most of all, her mothers.

On Libyan Children: A Reply to Comments

This post has been hiding for months in my draft and i guess it is time to publish this.

I have received various answers to questions in my post, To All Libyan Bloggers. The ladies seem to differ in their opinions concerning Libyan children. This is one particular topic i would like to discuss. The quite vast experience i have with a hundred mothers and children here (about 4 sisters in law, 6 aunts in law, 3 family friends, and about 20 young children ages 2-9) made me begin questioning whether kids here are rotten spoiled or plain neglected. The same experience has gradually given me notions on how these little ones are being raised. Thus, based on experiences shared by a lot of us women here in Libya, let me dissect the issue.

Routine
Definitely they do not have a routine nor do they understand the concept of such.We visited one family friend three months after we arrived and at about 9pm, Sami began to be extra-hyperactive and Leaf wailed and wailed. We were in the middle of dinner and my husband explained to his friends that the boys are very sleepy and we have to change their diapers and would be going home right after we finish eating. One of the women asked as if what we're doing is a very strange thing, "Is that like a schedule for them?" I just smiled and explained that they usually act that way when they are sleepy, so they have to be in bed.

I asked my SILs about the sleeping habits of their small boys and they said the boys lie down when the parents are also in bed and that would be about 11 or 12 midnight. Good thing though, they get enough sleep because the kids usually wake up at 11am.The meal time also vary, depending on the mother's availability.

One time i went out with the aunt in law of my husband, we brought our little ones with us to the mall. We have been there four hours already and we haven't given the kids any food to eat even before we left the house. Her boy seems okay and so are Sam and Leaf since they were inside the playhouse. But my tummy was already grumbling since it was almost 9pm. I asked my husband to buy some sandwich, and we ate. When we dropped his aunt home, she asked us to stay for dinner. It was 10pm, my boys are asleep in the car and we just ate.

What i know is that routine should be started at a very early age. Toddlers should understand that there is "time for everything" and that when they begin school, they will not have a hard time following schedules.

"Kali"
This is one word i began to hate the moment my 2 1/2 yr old nephew fell off the stairs and almost broke his nose. It happened barely two months after we arrived and i thought somebody is watching Sami whenever they tell me to let him play with his cousins. I didn't know they run up and down the stairs (that time Sami was still a bit afraid of going up the stairs so he'd rather stay beside me) and the mothers seem proud that their toddlers are becoming "independent." From then on, i refused to let Sami out of the house, go downstairs (we live on the third floor) without an adult with him.

I have been tagged "overprotective" even by my husband but i think i am just being "extra protective" considering the fact that Sami is JUST a TODDLER, beginning to develop balance, and agi lity...what if he is accidentally pushed? Who will i blame? The other toddler because he isn't "disciplined"? What if he touches an open wire (one time i caught one nephew inserting the handle of a teaspoon inside an electric socket.) An accident takes one split second...and i do not like to hear lines like "It is part of life..." or "Sometimes, Allah allows these things to happen...

"Deadly Kiddie Mobile Game"
This is a fact: kids sticking their heads while inside a moving car, babies who can walk are left without seatbelts, playing in the backseat of a moving car, small kids playing in the luggage compartment of a moving car (this happened to Sami, i was trying to pull him and his cousin out and i was told, with a smile, like i am so provincial-coming-from-the-mountains, "kali.")

Their rationale: let the kids discover and learn things...so they will be independent and strong...they said i should not control Sami too much or else he will grow up wild and uncontrollable.

Is this how they let small children learn? By leaving them alone? And in unimaginable places and situations? Without any adult to watch them?

My rationale: i let Sami run around Janzour village, play in the beach and even eat sand...i let them alone in safe places, where i can see them, where i know they will not hurt themselves.

I asked one mother whose son was playing with Sami if she knows where her son is because i could not find the boys inside the house (with about 10 women busy in the kitchen, in the living room getting henna tatoo and having tea) and she just said to me "i don't know..." then i ran out to find the boys already in the sidewalk, one of them about to cross the street (and they are all two year olds!!!!!)

Inside a living room with 5 women, i was busy picking up crawling babies who crawl towards wires (phone wires, tv wires, etc) and nibble on them like teethers...and the women are so out-of-the-room, as if the babies are not there...and they'd tell me not to keep on lifting my one-year old Leaf who climb chairs wanting to play with figurines.

One time i scolded Sami and told him not to go into "that" room and just play in the lawn. I pulled him out and then i was told "kali" again...and that it's okay to let him play in that bedroom. After one minute, i heard a glass broke. Sami broke a large coffee mug that served as pen holders...then i was told, "no problem." But Sami already cut his finger.

We were all visiting a relative who's having a party that night to welcome a baby girl. All five mothers are busy putting on make-up, dressing up while some babies are on the floor crying, and two are in my room, also crying. I was watching all four crying babies including mine...and the women were calling me, "Pinky!" to come and change and put on make-up. I told them later...for how could i leave these babies in the room? One of the women came and had to drag me out of the room and i was straining my neck to see who'll be watching Leaf and the other babies. No one. The door was closed, and there were wires, and tables and too many breakables inside that room. I had to run back and take all the babies and put them on the floor where the women are busy adorning themselves.

Honestly, i am envious of how good-natured and relaxed the women here are. I wish i could be as "relaxed" as them and not worry too much about my children. I wish i could afford to have time to go to dress up, put on make-up, go to parties and leave them to the care (?) of relatives from 9pm (time to prepare them to bed) to 2am...then wake up at 7am (the time my boys wake up.) But then i also do not want to find myself one day wishing that i had given more attention to my children.

What i know is that the first five years are crucial to a child's development. It might be very difficult for them later on to "unlearn" some things they have picked up both consciously and subconsciously when they were little.

Bottomline
While i do not want to be judgemental i also do not want to leave things unspoken for the sake of the little children. In my opinion, most kids here are neglected. I admit i have my own misgivings as a mother and am aware that i can be a pushover mom sometimes, yet i am working on my own issues as i learn.
The truth is that even though these things written are fact-based, the mothers i mentioned love their children in their own special way (only a demented woman doesn't.) Maternal instinct and plain common sense is still evident. I should know that based on how my husband was raised. He grew up to be a gentleman, thoughtful, loving, and caring. And i want my boys to grow up like him. Still, i do not know which played largely in his development - nature or nurture for unlike all the other men/husbands in his family, he is the only one who likes to cook and help a woman in the kitchen. He is the only one who helps his wife vacuum the floor and even take out the garbage. He can even be "abused" by his wife (imagine him a tiger but me a lion, lol) but can still stay silent, strong and secure of himself. Hey wait, i am now tackling a totally different issue here...On Libyan Husbands...now, wouldn't that be another nice topic?
Hmmm, i am now starting to think about it. :)

To All Libyan Bloggers

If you are a Libyan or living in Libya (Tripoli) perhaps you can share some things that would be of help to me.


These things i need to know:

1. Where is the best hamburger here?

2. A good private hospital (servicing patients well especially during emergencies) and OB-GYN

3. Is "saba" banana (Musa sapientum) available here?

4. A day care center for toddlers (primary language English) - operators, location and cost

5. Average monthly salary for nannies (Morroccan, Malaysian or Filipinos) - stay in or stay-out

6. A Yoga gym/instructor

7. The best pastry shop here (selling cream puffs)



Others:

1. Do you think that the Libyan "Leader" will make good his promise (concerning oil money) by early 2009?

2. Is it true that most Libyans like to talk a lot but actually do so little? (is there proof of this? some form of statistical research?)

3. Is there a book/website about the Psychology of the Libyan people?

4. Are young children in Libya spoiled rotten or plain neglected?

Since the internet is my socalled "sole" connection to the outside/real world i am hoping that people might help me understand and adjust to this culture.

I will also be probably venting all my anger, frustrations here though on a reasonable level concerning my life in this country since it is actually the cause of the hypocrisy that have developed in me and which i detest.

All the bottled up emotions and thoughts in the (so far) nine months of stay here is beginning to pour. There will be a careful outpouring of fluids and issues hopefully into the right and ready glasses. The "sole connection" previously mentioned will be tackled. This will answer the questions "What about your husband's family and friends?" "Don't you consider them as your connections here?" or "Aren't they part of the outside/real world you're talking about?"

So to the free, honest, open, outspoken, hyper-critical and hypocritical, well-informed, sincere, sane, logical...all those with issues same as or opposite mine, willing to help or interested to spite me, please comment. I will further expound matters related to things listed above. For now, i wait for replies as i seethe in silence.

This "outburst" may just be part of my 1st trimester infanticipating but i believe this to be a productive kind of outburst.



With high hopes to mature into a citizen of the world and an individual who can contribute to the society's growth,

Pinky


p.s.
I would like to thank On the Edge of Something for her comments on my posts which has helped me keep my balance, kept me from either jumping nor holding on. She also helps keep the "spark" in my blog.

Eid Mubarak to all.
(to think this should be on the top of this piece, but i deem it better to place this greeting here to signify the change of mode in my posts.)