It is Good

to know that i will get better...it is good.
to know that my good is good enough.
i am good.

on the third night of Eid, we went out to have Hannah's ears pierced. I was so happy to see her so beautiful with those tiny earrings.

God must have lifted me up Himself for i could not lift my burdens unto Him...
you see, my burdens may be not too heavy but my arms and my entirety are too broken
to lift things up to Him.

I was the burden of me.

Now it is time to be grateful for to be well and good is a miracle in itself.

I thank God for my strange silence reached my husband's ears. I thank God for my husband who loves me enough to listen and care even if he doesn't fully understand what's going on.

I thank God for my boys whose smiles, laughters and many talents enable me to live and not be just merely alive.

I thank God for Hannah whose presence in the home is like fresh air and sweet music.

I thank God for age and past experiences wherein i gained the ablitity to be my own shrink.

I thank God for providing innumerable resources not just for survival but for spiritual growth. And thank God for enabling me to be able to reach into them.

I thank God for my eyes that sees the essentials, ears that hears painful truths, and hands that can be still, and evades destruction...

I need not speak of God's glory and grace...my so weak, faint life speaks of HIs glory and grace...

I may moan, complain, bargain and plead...I too have my Gethsemane. But oh the hope of being home makes dying so sweet.

Now i am good for i chose to embrace the darkness until it is visible to others.
And i was blessed with hope for others began to get a glimpse of the shadows of my battles...
I am going home.

To be good is a miracle in itself.

Missing Music

If i have a piano in the house and be left alone, totally ALONE in peace and quiet for at least three hours...to nap untinterrupted, to play and sing uninterrupted, then perhaps these current PAINFUL interruptions will cease...perhaps.

Might just be hormones again. Or post-partum mood swings that MUST NOT be taken seriously or else i will become suicidal if somebody thinks im crazy. Maybe im already a clinical case. See, im making fun of that which is a 911 call.

Having episodes...black outs...lucid intervals.
Maybe because i am worried of Hannah..and am homesick...and have no one to talk with ("talk" that means communicate, that means touch, that means understand, that means acceptance,that means knowing...)
Maybe because i want so much to give the best to my children: care, discipline, love but can't because my way of handling them is being challenged...because i have Hannah still so small and fragile and i can't be consistent with my boys. Its so frustrating

Maybe because i am loosing my mind who wants to wander somewhere, to look for my lost self...to search for that life i once knew...to find ways to go home. Home.
Maybe because i have in my hands everything i could ask and wish for but i do not feel them in my heart...Because I wanted to be prioritized, pampered, pursued and I was. But then, i was subdued.
I wanted to be possessed but not subdued. Sad to say, i had to be. In this place.
Oh i am loved, i know. I was promised a life like that of a princess' but my life back then was better. I was free. and Rich. Freedom was my wealth.

This life i live not for myself. Does that make me a saint? Do i care? No. Because being a saint is not what i want. I want to be more than just a mother...more than just a wife who in this culture seem disposable, reusable, instant, robotic, a human machinery...i want to be human again. I want to feel once again what it's like to be "uncovered" and to rediscover the joys of walking in a crowd, alone...the joys of self-expression, being with those who are able to dig and not care if they discover gold or dung after the process...oh life!
People like me shouldn't have gotten married and make someone's life miserable.
People like me shouldn't have children unless rich enough to provide oneself some help.
People like me should just be and endure pain which they thrive on than dream of something they could not handle.
ahh, drama!
Once i was told i was funny. Because i was running around the house like crazy...from feeding my infant..to thenoodles im cooking for my boys as they are having a very late breakfast and i know that they were hungry...to my boy who wants to go to the toilet..and the other boy who's climbing the baby's crib...it could not get any crazier...and i was told i am funny??!!!
SO i said, "yeah, why don't you laugh?"
I actually scared the man. I was sorry. Sorry at myself.

Hormones, yes they may be. Crazy Hormones. No they are not "spirits" or the "devil." Not because i wasn't fasting, nor NOT reading the Quran or the Bible....it's because i am me, trying to be me.

Will bounce back. The better i will be after that. Then i can care some more. Give care. Love some more. Stay alive. Until, perhaps i come home...until i reach home...or until, i am home.