Potpourri

For Libya

2011-08-31T21:19:00.000-07:00

husband asked me to publish this idea. and so i wrote. and he emailed to libyantv.
been a while...a long while. so happy to see family and friends in Libya back online. so am back too. planning to get serious with my writing and make a career out of it.
quite hard though since i can't write without my heart in it...usually it gets me into trouble. This time however, it is something more tamed and full of love. here goes:

A National Heritage Site for The New Libya
The rubbles and ravage caused by the war in my homeland is nothing as compared to the forty two years of inner desolation of our people. The liberation amidst physical damage now brings forth vision for the future of new Libya. Beginnings may be awkward but our hopes are fueled with almost everything we see- the breaking down of the tyrant’s strongholds, lifeless bodies of martyrs, ashes…But the bright light I see is in the vast accumulated wealth of the previous regime- properties, villas, cars, yatch, weapons, silver, gold, bronze…in all kinds of forms. These all seem to be up for grabs for every citizen who has gained access into their abandoned properties, after all, Libyans deserve this. The question however remains, how do we, as a people of peace and honor properly appropriate this wealth that cost billions?
Let us all be reminded that every piece of expensive property of our once oppressor is a symbol of a martyr’s blood, or tears of our mother, sister, friend, or sweat of our forefathers. Not a single piece deserves a place in any Libyan home. Everything, and I mean everything, including Aisha’s piano and golden sculpture, the water or tiles from their swimming pools, chandeliers, spoon and fork from which they ate from, mukets from where they once sat upon, talking and laughing over sumptuous food and the most expensive tea while a large part of the country suffers in poverty…Every single piece deserve a prison where people of the New Libya can mock at glory turned upside down and in honor of all the heroes who fought for the country’s freedom.
Let us create a National Heritage Spot for these things----although these were acquired by unclean hands, these are reminders to keep our integrity, so that a death in the family, the memory of our tears and wounds, will never be put to waste. Every single dime or penny that goes into this place through tourism will go to the Heroes Fund- equal shares to the families of the martyrs. We all should know that those who died fighting for freedom also died to leave a lasting legacy. Include photos and names of the soldiers and martyrs, gun shells, all kinds of weapons,---all for the glory and honor of the New Libya, and as reminders that these things are used for defense and never for offence. Include all expensive perfumes of the cruel family, to remind us of the stench of the massacre and their merciless murder of women and children. Include the dresses of the women in their family, to remind us of the rape of our beautiful mothers, sisters, aunts, daughters. There are countless more…that I can hope to leave to a Council to decide and organize if Libya would open up to this idea.
My hope that no single thing that was taken out of the former regime’s houses will have its place in any Libyan home. Remember, all these deserve a prison. All these deserve to create for us a memory of our sufferings, our revolution and a prime example of what we never should become. We are already wealthy, full of love, and peace and honor. What we need is fortitude to keep our character strong as it always had been so we do not lose sight of what is essential----FAMILY and FREEDOM.
Let us consider this: A NATIONAL HERITAGE SITE- for Ghadaffi family’s properties…sort of a Museum of Madness that will consequently honor the Libyan people and at the same time keep their feet firmly on the ground.
From a Libyan Son: Tarik Khalifa Farjani via Noeme Grace Tabor

For Libya From the Philippines

2011-04-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

We think about you as always...
Although I have been quiet for a long time, my daily life is actually directed towards going back to you again.
I gather seeds here in order to plant them there and share the fruits to my home country. But for now, some plans are put on hold as we wait for your birthing pains to end and welcome a new world for you.
Here is a little i wrote and read in my class almost two months ago, just two weeks after Feb.17. And here's also a link for my country to see that we do still have heroes. These are very close friends of ours in Libya, Filipinos considered as "sons and daughters of Libya." To my good friend Noel and my dear 'sister' Nang Grace: we are proud of you. Thank you for being there for our Libya.

Now here's a speech read in class:

There is so much in my system right now that needs to be unloaded. Today I go back to school after two absences in my Current Trends and Issues in Education. I don’t know how I am going to explain in order to be excused from these absences. On the other hand, a big part of me would rather choose failure in class for my absences than failure to involve myself in the latest world issue in which I am very much a part of: the chaos in Libya and the people’s fight for their freedom.
For the past week, beginning February 16, I and my husband had been monitoring what’s going in his country. We knew right after Tunisia (west of Libya) and Egypt’s (east of Libya) revolution that Libya would follow. We are not activists but we are well aware of our country’s history, capabilities and limitations – both Philippines and Libya. We only have hopes to make our life better. The reason why we went back to the Philippines 15 months ago is for me to attain a higher degree education and go back to Libya for there is greater potential to earn more there, spend less and raise funds to invest here in the Philippines. I guess all these plans will be put on hold for quite a long time now that in terms of economy, Libya crumbles. We do not really know what to do right now. We live, eat, breathe information from the internet. We take shifts online. We even get info ahead of CNN and BBC- from my community there in which my uncle (my mother’s only sibling) has been a part for almost 20 years…my uncle who introduced me to my husband…my uncle who has been supporting us ever since we got married; from my husband’s family, who, thank God, wisely chose to be on the safer (neutral) side…choosing to stay alive for the children (and with great hope that they stay safe and that the men in the Farjani household continue to stay put until now) and most of all, from our main Heroes- the Libyans online, the new journalists in twitter, audioboo, skype…we saw videos- so graphic- of the killings and other atrocities by the dictator prior to them being showed by international media. In as much as the people there could not sleep, we also could not sleep here. The horrors we experience is of not being there and not knowing what’s happened to our family as the phone and internet connection is sporadic.
We help with spreading signature campaigns, re-tweeting, relaying info, participating in CNN online, even my FB acct. has been filled with videos and commentaries and news on Libya. Friends who work with Mindanews, - froilan and Bency printed a story based on PM’s I sent to them. Then, the unthinkable happened that I had to delete all posts on Libya in FB. Only Libyan knows the demonic capacity of their regime- to trace people so efficiently as CIA’s do and husband warned me that they might trace us and murder our family there.
Feb.25 Fri- I switched tv chanels- 30 (abs cbn), 15-bbc and 40-cnn…watching Libya’s attempt to take down their leader and watching Philippines commemorate EDSA revolution. I wept uncontrollably. The second time this week. The first time was from my uncle’s message on my fb wall that said verbatim:
Hello ping! Its good your Tita veron has connection with the FB here at their villa in Zanzour.I am reporting to work today per order of our company.Many Filipinos are going home and the embassy is repatriating them.For us ,the company is assuring us and advise us to stay.Sayang if i go home for it will be final exit and i will not be able to get my end of service pay which is quite a huge amount. Anyway pray that this trouble will be over soon and you will be benefited especially for the future of the kids. Miss you all.
Then the next message is this (right after the killings in the Capital):
We have decided to finally go home!! Just waiting for the embassy to arrange repatriation of OFW in Benghazi after that we might be next if we are still here! To james- lucky you, you have escaped a day before it all begun! Amal expats were transferred to Ras as the camp was looted and also the rest of the expats will be moved soon to a safer and accessible place.

He is a hero not just of my family, but of our country.
What filled me the time I wept, watching a revolution from the past…and a revolution that is happening in the country of my children, was that of conflicting emotions. I have gathered that Libya is my country now as much as Philippines is. Now I know what it is to have what I can only call as a truly ‘global spirit’…I wept because the cry of people, human beings, are all the same- that of freedom. Before, it sounded so relative to me, definitions subjected by culture, economy. But now, no.
Freedom is to live life without fear, without oppression and repression.
As I watched the EDSA anniversary commemoration and people giving commentaries- esp. on how far have we grown since that day, and on Marcos saying ‘we could have been like Singapore now…’ I can only say that WE SHOULD BE THANKFUL, for we are a free nation, and that looking at how the oppressed and repressed people of Libya die for freedom, it makes me ashamed at the so many complains I have belted against our government. We should be thankful because while corruption, economic problem, over population are our ONLY major problems and THAT we still have the ability to work, to study, to learn, to grow,…
I remember the movie Pursuit of Happyness. Will smith’s character reflected a symbol of the life of the people in Libya now. The attitude of FIGHT prevails. We Filipinos had that. But it stayed and stopped in EDSA 1986. Perhaps we are being awakened by what is going on in the Mid east and Africa now. Perhaps this has been happening for a long time but we are on pills and needed a bomb to wake us up. I hope this is the final bomb to get us involved because I could barely stand this war.
So what has this to do with my school excuse? I do not know. But I wish to tell my classmates, my teachers, and to add to the essay I submitted two weeks ago- on “how to promote or advance the Filipino race”…I realized how shallow I was and while my rhetoric may be essential, they are common. I learned INVOLVEMENT in a big way this past week. I learned that APATHY can be a crime greater than murder. I learned that the real horror of war is not the killings, the bloodshed or in dying…the horror is in dying alone. The horror is in knowing the rest of the world is just watching and talking about it, but not doing anything. This makes me want to scream. Worse, world leaders are weighing the cost between human life and oil. It is sickening. This will also be the first time in the past 15 years that I will not be watching the Oscar’s.
The world fails to remember that humanity’s capacity to REBUILD or BUILD is greater than the capacity to destroy. Let us pray that the world will have enough courage to face economic failure- brought my natural and human disasters, in exchange of preserving life, and of freedom. Remember, the world was built not by material wealth but by human hands and hearts. Remember that prior to discovering oil and gold, there was first of all- religion, philosophy, and the discovery of humanity’s capacity for creating the world that we are in now. Let us not destroy this. Let us get involved.
I do not intend to campaign for activism, but I claim I have become an activist through this experience. I see the light that this shed in terms of this subject: Current trends and issues in education. The light that reminds me of a favorite (seemingly cliché-ish) movie quote: From mighty ducks starred by Emilio Estevez whose character of a coach was mocked by this statement: “those who can’t do, teach”. Though this deserves in depth analysis, this I can add: I am not mocked. I teach because I can be a journalist, a doctor, a nurse, a political analyst, a dynamic artist…I teach because I know, I know because I am part of the story of humanity. And I can ask and convince people to get involved because I am involved.
I realized that one can never fully grasped the extent of humanity’s need unless he is within that circle. I am in this circle right now and I hope more and more will get in. I am in a mass that ate up my self containment.
There is nothing more authentic than putting your whole heart to where you are. People are more effective leaders when they are authentic, true to themselves, humane. Leaders should never underestimate the common man’s ability to discern and identify a person with good intentions.
While this opened my eyes to international law, functions of int’l org., global economy, role of media, etc- it also opened my soul for humanity- for the people.
As I write, people are being killed. My MIL called- a miracle that she’s able to get thru. My husband’s family belong to the upper mid class, lives in the suburbs where chaos is absent. But as one Libyan woman interviewed by cnn said: “there is abig difference bet quiet and worrying quietness.” Mama said they are all ok. Of course they are, because if they say something negative, they will be arrested n perhaps killed.
Our situation right now- here in the Phils., is also uncertain for we are source of income comes mainly from Libya. We have bills to pay next month and everything is closed in Libya. But we have hopes, and plans. Because we are in a free country. Though it will be very difficult, at least, we are still able. The country provides opportunities in order for us even just to get by. This is enough for now- planning, and then, executing these plans- of job hunting.
Maybe in due time I will get to share stories of courage, but now is not the time for we need more of that. Involvement calls for this. I am asking you to sign ….and also my account in fb.
I am sorry to have taken up your time. I hope I am not just heard. I hope this message sinks in. I used to believe that what matters is that at the end of the day I am a Filipino. While it still matters much to me, there is greater weight now in the fact that at the end of the day I look back and say I have valued life, and I look to my children’s eyes and say, there is so much in life that I should continue to live and FIGHT for it.
I see children, women, young and old men dying---getting killed all because of their dreams. These dreams are not like ours- to have a big house, own a car, to get a higher degree in education, buy whatever we want, to look like movie stars…their dreams are what we consider non-luxury- to live with dignity, to live without fear, to have a choice, freedom of speech…
I wish it will sink in us that these people are our mothers, sisters, children, brothers…
At the end of this day, I can say that I am truly human and am living my main purpose- as a Filipino, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend. Maybe all of us can continue building on our dreams but on a different foundation- and this foundation is the compassion for humanity.

Christmas Cheers

2009-12-24T18:12:00.001-08:00

Home and Still Feels like Libya

2009-12-07T15:33:00.000-08:00

arrived philippines nov. 16. arrived hometown cagayan de oro nov.19. been home for almost 3 weeks now. except for the new environment, my life stays the same. i realized that my life in Libya has been filled with lessons and training which i overlooked due to so much stress. but now i get it. "one has to leave the mountain where she stands in order to see it's beauty" my college professor once said. now i see the beauty of my life in Libya. now i can embrace my life here with hope. i can fully brace myself for a new kind of training that will prepare me for a task greater than before when we go back to the place or dear Hannah was born. we are on another adventure...another journey towards growth...another jungle...another paradise.

It is Good

2009-09-24T07:21:00.000-07:00

to know that i will get better...it is good.
to know that my good is good enough.
i am good.

on the third night of Eid, we went out to have Hannah's ears pierced. I was so happy to see her so beautiful with those tiny earrings.

God must have lifted me up Himself for i could not lift my burdens unto Him...
you see, my burdens may be not too heavy but my arms and my entirety are too broken
to lift things up to Him.

I was the burden of me.

Now it is time to be grateful for to be well and good is a miracle in itself.

I thank God for my strange silence reached my husband's ears. I thank God for my husband who loves me enough to listen and care even if he doesn't fully understand what's going on.

I thank God for my boys whose smiles, laughters and many talents enable me to live and not be just merely alive.

I thank God for Hannah whose presence in the home is like fresh air and sweet music.

I thank God for age and past experiences wherein i gained the ablitity to be my own shrink.

I thank God for providing innumerable resources not just for survival but for spiritual growth. And thank God for enabling me to be able to reach into them.

I thank God for my eyes that sees the essentials, ears that hears painful truths, and hands that can be still, and evades destruction...

I need not speak of God's glory and grace...my so weak, faint life speaks of HIs glory and grace...

I may moan, complain, bargain and plead...I too have my Gethsemane. But oh the hope of being home makes dying so sweet.

Now i am good for i chose to embrace the darkness until it is visible to others.
And i was blessed with hope for others began to get a glimpse of the shadows of my battles...
I am going home.

To be good is a miracle in itself.

Missing Music

2009-09-10T05:47:00.000-07:00

If i have a piano in the house and be left alone, totally ALONE in peace and quiet for at least three hours...to nap untinterrupted, to play and sing uninterrupted, then perhaps these current PAINFUL interruptions will cease...perhaps.

Might just be hormones again. Or post-partum mood swings that MUST NOT be taken seriously or else i will become suicidal if somebody thinks im crazy. Maybe im already a clinical case. See, im making fun of that which is a 911 call.

Having episodes...black outs...lucid intervals.
Maybe because i am worried of Hannah..and am homesick...and have no one to talk with ("talk" that means communicate, that means touch, that means understand, that means acceptance,that means knowing...)
Maybe because i want so much to give the best to my children: care, discipline, love but can't because my way of handling them is being challenged...because i have Hannah still so small and fragile and i can't be consistent with my boys. Its so frustrating

Maybe because i am loosing my mind who wants to wander somewhere, to look for my lost self...to search for that life i once knew...to find ways to go home. Home.
Maybe because i have in my hands everything i could ask and wish for but i do not feel them in my heart...Because I wanted to be prioritized, pampered, pursued and I was. But then, i was subdued.
I wanted to be possessed but not subdued. Sad to say, i had to be. In this place.
Oh i am loved, i know. I was promised a life like that of a princess' but my life back then was better. I was free. and Rich. Freedom was my wealth.

This life i live not for myself. Does that make me a saint? Do i care? No. Because being a saint is not what i want. I want to be more than just a mother...more than just a wife who in this culture seem disposable, reusable, instant, robotic, a human machinery...i want to be human again. I want to feel once again what it's like to be "uncovered" and to rediscover the joys of walking in a crowd, alone...the joys of self-expression, being with those who are able to dig and not care if they discover gold or dung after the process...oh life!
People like me shouldn't have gotten married and make someone's life miserable.
People like me shouldn't have children unless rich enough to provide oneself some help.
People like me should just be and endure pain which they thrive on than dream of something they could not handle.
ahh, drama!
Once i was told i was funny. Because i was running around the house like crazy...from feeding my infant..to thenoodles im cooking for my boys as they are having a very late breakfast and i know that they were hungry...to my boy who wants to go to the toilet..and the other boy who's climbing the baby's crib...it could not get any crazier...and i was told i am funny??!!!
SO i said, "yeah, why don't you laugh?"
I actually scared the man. I was sorry. Sorry at myself.

Hormones, yes they may be. Crazy Hormones. No they are not "spirits" or the "devil." Not because i wasn't fasting, nor NOT reading the Quran or the Bible....it's because i am me, trying to be me.

Will bounce back. The better i will be after that. Then i can care some more. Give care. Love some more. Stay alive. Until, perhaps i come home...until i reach home...or until, i am home.

Dishes Galore!!!!

2009-08-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

I posted the menu in Kitchen of Grace. Dishes for Ramadan...and dishes to wash. Endless...

getting busier each night. i don't know why.

but then, after the tummy is filled, there always seem to be a succeeding peace and quiet...some calm in the atmosphere...a smile, then a kiss. This is why fasting month is called "Happy".

Happy Ramadan!

Happy Ramadan

2009-08-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

Just a simple greeting from my family...

it's going to be a really busy month for this mommy.:) i hope to steal some time to write my 100 and 1 reflections on life, love, religion and spirituality.

got to go and get some power nap for tonight is going to last until a few hours before dawn.

Happy Ramadan to all!!!!!

May we capture and save into ourselves the true meaning and purpose this month brings.

Mestiza Libyan Princess

2009-07-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

She's here, our Hana. Came via C-section on July 8 at 11 am, El-Khadra Hospital, Tripoli, Libya.
We now have our little mestiza (Filipino for mixed blooded) princess. Our little bundle of joy weighed only 5.1 lbs. but she's quickly gaining weight (now being one week old.)

This reminds me of a verse that says : "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning..." My ordeal has paid off!

The boys were in shock when they arrived in the hospital and saw me in bed and with a little baby beside me. We have orriented them already about the coming baby and Sami was quite ready for the new addition except that he kept on touching my tummy and the bandage on my hand. They both hugged me tight. Leafy wanted to lie down beside me but of course he can't so they just let them hold the baby and introduce her formally to them.

Leafy thought the baby is his. He would not stop kissing her. Sami was a little afraid he might hurt her. And Tarek, oh my, he kept on smiling his widest, the whole day...

The experience, ordeal, outbursts of both joy and momentary melancholia will be expounded on another post. As of now, i need more rest and orrient myself and the boys to the new "set-up" at home. How i miss the boys, cuddling with them, playing with them...they seemed to have grown up fast while i was in the hospital for four days.

Ahhh, mommyhood. My friend told me that "you will never be a true mommy unless you have your own daughter.." I feel more complete now.

Another "Libyan" Issue

2009-06-24T03:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to Kadra hospital for my regular pre-natal. We finally decided to have my delivery there instead of the Swiss Hospital because it is very near our house and i feel a lot more comfortable and "at home" with my OB-Gynie there being a female and with a lot of Filipino nurses around.

Anyhow, after my regular routine check, i was asked to take some lab tests so we went to their lab and there i encountered a bit unfriendly med tech (i supposed) who does not speak English (i supposed) for she just signalled me to come inside and pointed the seat. Obviously there was only one seat so i positioned myself, rolled up my long black sleeve. In a matter of seconds (about 5) without any "warning" (like alcohol being rubed on my arm, whatsoever) i suddenly felt the needle like she intentionally wanted to hurt me (but of course not). Then she aske me to hold the cotton on my arm as she put the tape (i was not used to "helping myself" in cases like this for med techs i met before know pretty well how to do things by themselves, though this is really no big deal, not yet). Afterwards, we both went out, my husband and my uncle were outside with the boys and she talked to my husband asking for my passport. My uncle, a nurse in Libya for almost 20 years now asked if this is a new system. She just shrugged. Hellow? How rude can she be? SO my husband talked to her and told her that i am his wife and these little boys are our kids. There, her expressions changed, as if a pail of cold water had been poured over her. And there, I heard one of the stupidest questions ever: "Alesh?" as in, WHY? like "Why am I this Libyan's wife?????" and she said she thought this man (my uncle) was my husband....then this seemingly quiet, unfriendly woman began to chatter saying things to my husband as if i am not there, like "Oh, as long as your family accepts her..." blah..blah... and "is she Chinese? or Filipino?" God knows how much i wanted to ask her if she's from Mars or is she really Libyan? And if she's single, "ALESH?"...grrrr, she really got in to my nerves. All i did was to be quiet, gave her a smile and went out after she returned my passport.

I talked with my husband after that. Why did she ask "Why?" when you told her i am your wife? I asked him. So he explained that it's because she is single and they have "lost" another Libyan man to a foreighner. My husband told me he wanted to answer her before that it's because he could not find a Libyan woman as sweet and as smart as me, but of course that would not be a good thing to answer her as she would feel worse. So he just said, "it's his luck." Grrr...Luck? marriage is luck???? not choice??? anyhow, i feel sorry for this woman who doesn't have any clue herself as to why she hasn't met the kind of man who wants to marry her. Perhaps that man who likes grumpy, frowning, rude Libyan women will come along. I hope. Then she will be happy, and stop asking questions like "why one Libyan man is married to a foreigner."

Just for the record: I love my husband's family because i know they love me too. I love my mother-in-law who i think is the nicest and kindest Libyan woman i have ever met. She gives me "henna treat", brings me food everyday...in other words, she is a spoiler but lately, i begged her not to come up here anymore unless she misses us or wants to play with the boys because i do not want her to get tired or stressed. Her sisters are so nice, they like to give me gifts, and i enjoy so much their company even if i understand only a little of what they talk about. My sisters in law (my husband's two sisters and the wives of his two brothers) are all beautiful women, inside-out. Though we have a lot (as in a lot!) of differences in how we handle things- kids, household, schedules, lifestyle, etc...i know they respect my views and ways. And i admire the fact that even if they do not like to go to school, or they do not value higher learning as much as other Libyan women do, they like to learn new things that would help them become better mothers and wives. In my opinion, these women are the epitome of an ideal Libyan woman- they value things that are of importance such as family, time, and children and set-aside/ignore others things that would cause dispute.

My Sister in Dubai

2009-06-21T02:41:00.000-07:00

Her life right now is the reason why i haven't blogged in a while. I share her grief. I am just so surprised to find out today that she started a blog and began to write again. Amazing how God provides different ways for us to release our pains, and for her, like me, she releases it so beautifully.

Let us join her in prayers, and hope.
I am so blessed by her love and faith.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T23:24:00.000-07:00

cried buckets last night. yes, again.
i don't know why after every fun and action-filled weekend i tend to get depressed. perhaps it's the physical stress taking its toll...or perhaps, as i always suspect, its the pregnancy hormones. Or the anxiety of still not having a house help and the approaching delivery of the baby. I wonder how i will be able to juggle all the responsibilities, house work, child care, etc. later on- ALONE, with two toddler boys, and an infant. with their routine/sked, will i have time to eat or cook my own meal???? will i have time to rest? and oh, the possibility of post partum blues....and i am alone at home. i could not expect my mom in-law to come up here to help me for she's been very sickly lately plus her youngest daughter is also expecting a baby girl this month.

will somebody tell me, if it is true that women in the old times, and most Libyan women up to now have survived and some even without getting sick, child rearing and home-keeping ALONE????? husband told me its normal for women here, their minds are programmed for motherhood....like his mother, raising 6 children all by herself (the first three boys are only a year apart from each other, followed by two girls after two years) IS THIS TRUE? Because i DO NOT THINK SO. There must be some help somehow...sister, mother, brother, aunt...I AM SURE of this since i know how it is to be ALONE at home, and taking care of very small children...well, unless the mother is NOT REALLY taking care of the kids but just LETTING NATURE do it's job...since as husband said, it is a NATURAL THING>>>>hah! Natural? True perhaps to those who have families around and who live in their own country....

I am angry...very angry. And as much as i love my babies, i hate this idea of motherhood- that a mom has to do it all. I want a helper!!!! And i want her now. Or before i give birth. Imagine even airlines have to limit the weight of handcarried bagage of pregnant women...while i here have to constantly lift a weight of 25 kilos DAILY!!! and bend to wash diaper areas, and run after a toddler about to pour juice on the floor..or referee two roddlers fighting and being get hit instead. action-filled...and i feel like a casualty already.

though there is Grace as always...i pray for Wisdom to come to people around me. The wisdom to know the importance of Now- what is the need of the moment. Because no matter how much one has saved and "kept" and worked hard for for the future, these will all evaporate in a moment of some loss due to neglect of one important thing: the Life of Someone, Now. In as much as i do not want to neglect ME for the purpose of saving more energy and "life" for the future of my family, i have no choice...because i have no help. So far, this is not really LIVING but only SURVIVING. This is fighting to stay alive...and SANE.

Anyone who had to leave her own country, her loves and life to embrace another "love and life", had to live alone, dependent of someone, not knowing or being able to do anything except to watch her own children, struggle emotionally, having no outlet for her feelings and thoughts, no real friends who will be there for her, no one to really understand her...her pains, physical aches, fears and anxieties, having to eat alone (and sometimes choking on tears...) She may get what she wants sometimes but never what she needs...she ends the day in tears, so tired and worn out she could not even sleep...and wishes she wakes up in another place and time...because she still wants to wake up for the sake of her children...Anyone who's been here is the ONLY one who will truly understand.

This is my voice. Only here I can speak. I know I am heard. I wish I am understood. I hope for a touch...

Bath takes the Blues Away

2009-04-23T02:21:00.000-07:00

I have recently developed a new philosophy after an experience of severe melancholia/emotional sensitivity to anything due to over-stretching myself. It's the seasonal blues, not literally brought by season change but by perhaps hormonal change or just phase-changes like that of the moon. Momental lunacy? Ahhh whatever was the cause, i decided to take a long warm shower and a tub soak. The effect was instant. I felt better after a three-day-pouring-out-of-trash. And i am ready for more trash again.

Strangely, the next day i found Romana's words so true.

I began to feel the need to connect with women- occasional lunatics, moms, housewives, givers...and of course, speakers of language i could speak. I still cannot relate well to the women in my family here so i tend to stay up here on the 3rd floor the entire week and see them for a few minutes on a day we are about to go to Janzour. Oh my sad existence.
But the bath, the soak, water, suds and bubbles...and the luxury of 30 minutes alone - it was a blessing that came at 12 midnight.

Tips anyone?

2009-04-07T02:00:00.000-07:00

am searching and wondering, so perhaps you could help.

a souk that sells cheap clothing textile and how much is cheap here?
(ribbons, tulle, chifon cloth)

a shop that sells furnitures (even plastic) for baby's room.

Libyan words for castor oil, essential oils

location of a bookstore selling books in english and children's books

location of a shop selling dvds, the original ones.

a good beauty saloon- where the hairdressers know how to cut and color hair. and how much they charge.
have been to one around the neighborhood and discovered i could style/trim my own hair better than they do. i was charged 7 LD. and i was horrified to see a highlghted hair of one costumer...it looks like a kindergarten's art project. omg!

i need to know these. apparently the women in my family do not know where these places are.

One Good Weekend Treat

2009-04-05T03:51:00.000-07:00

l-r: the family man, his two boys, his nephew, his bestfriend

the family was treated by papa to the zoo and took along Sami's favorite cousin, Ahmed

the boys were so eager to touch the huge and walking "teddy bear" lol

Ahmed: "Did u like the popcorn?"

Sami: "Let's give him some more!"

this tiger was proudly trotting (even prouder than the lion who looks old, sick and tired and who refused a foto-shoot and opted to sleep) as the boys were kept amazed at how big, lean and snobbish he was.

feeding the pony with...popcorn!

this was my favorite sight...long necked, long legged, graceful, and most of all PINK!!!!

Super models...in pink and white, luminous, dazzling, i love them. i wanted to take two home but couldn't. sigh....

with Ami Dafer feeding the ostriches with popcorn, our signature feeds. lol.

another amusing and amazing sight for the boys...

this is a beauty. another favorite of mine. it's a divine art work. Mashallah!

hello there bear!

Papa, Leaf, Sam and Ahmed...all waiting for the bears to come closer.

It was a wonderful treat from husband dear though he informed me of his plan just a few hours before. Typical Libyan but sweet. We did not get to tour the entire zoo because the boys were getting hungry and we saw the rain coming. Dafer, my husband's friend came along to help us with the boys. He is such a sweet man (and nanny, lol) and we kept on hoping and praying he will finally find someone to love and who will love him back.

the rain came a few minutes after we finished our sandwiches. it was one good weekend.

and oh, husband dear got to take me out shopping with the boys the day before and i got myself two pairs of nice and comfortable maternity clothes for a good price of 85 LD.

just musings about everything

2009-04-02T00:35:00.000-07:00

have been trying to get some peace and quiet in installlment terms today. have to chase the boys every now and then...
i need this time for myself every morning in order to have a good start- coffee, internet (checking mails, mesages, news, etc.) and a silent prayer.
found myself wanting to see Morocco and other exotic countries after viewing travel fotos of a friend in facebook.
found myself figuring out how to re arrange the bedroom to be more child-friendly and baby-friendly. we have a double-decked bed which the boys love to climb. we have a bed only Tarek sleep on because i sleep on the floor with the boys, using the foam mattress of the double deck beds. and there's the dresser which the drawers are always rasacked by the boys and sometimes i find them emptying my facial cream and other cosmetic bottles. they are trying new tricks now since the dresser top is already bare of anything, not even a hair brush.

they do have a very wide play-area filled with toys but they seem to be in need of something new every week- a new toy, a new trick, a new children's video to watch. i find myself stressed out thiking of new ways to entertain them. when i spend time with them either playing ro watcing videos, they always get all over me - wanting to ride my bulging tummy (i could not let them ride my back now for a horsey) or press it. i love their affection towards me but oh im thinking of the baby in my tummy too. funny, they call her "tweety" and i do not have any idea where they got that.

i've been making lots of lists again- on what to do, to organize, to buy, to research on the net about, etc...

i might be "nesting" already but i couldnt seem to do anything for i already have my hands so full with the boys and their ever growing need for everything. i am just waiting for the helper to come with tito a few weeks from now.

for today i have a menu to plan and a list of things to buy. tonight we are entertaining filipino friends at tito's flat in janzour and inshallah on friday we have Tarek's italian officemate and his wife as guests for dinner. i have practicaly no idea what they like to eat and that i can cook so i plan to play it safe and go stir fry some veggies perhaps and top it on some pasta...and let tarek grill some meat...i have to plan this.

and there's the closet...needs to be repaired or the doors redone so the boys won't be able to open them.
and there's some shopping to do later for some maternity outfits for me. this baby has been helping a lot for i have never been in shape and pregnant like this before. with \sam and \leaf i have always looked like a cow, but thank goodness for this pregnancy, i kept fit and slim and have less problem with the need for new clothing until now. my only problem is the waistline so i can still basically wear my house dresses. i can still even wear my strechable, low waist jeans. wow!

have to order Anew (of Avon) from my cousin back home. could not find the brand here. some brands from here like Olay and L'oreal doesn't seem to work well on my asian face. or it is because of the climate or my pregnancy, i dunno. i grew crow's feet under my eyes, and some miniature facial warts, creases and pre-mature wrinkles. my skin looks oily-dry, i could not determine the type anymore. inshallah on my next ob-visit (ahhh...we decided to go back to the old hospital and that male doctor for he is offering his service for free and to think, it is in a hi-tech, international hospital, so thank god for this and some good connections) i plan to inquire the derma clinic there about their services and the rate. back home for a regular facial, one can get it for a minimum of 10 dollars, and wart removal with laser costs about 50 dollars and this is done by the dermatologist herself. so i have yet to compare prices.

there are tons of things i wanted from home which cost a lot cheaper compared to the ones sold here. one can get a good brand of children's clothes for 10 dollars (like disney brands and they are original) which costs about 30 dinars here...and there's branded make-up, toiletries, textile, etc...
now i am thinking of opening a shop here...
so like Iman. (have to link here blog here.)

ahhh, plans, pursuits and plain headaches!

No Longer a Tourist in Libya

2009-03-22T04:55:00.000-07:00

I have survived one year of living here and to commence life as a stranger - almost ignorant, tourist wannabe, foreigner wife half-localized- in Libya, i attended the Janzour Tourism Festival and caught a glimpse (it is still not Libya in her entirety) of the beauty of this country...

It is my prayer as part of this nation and as a mother raising children who will be partakers of life here, ishallah, that the future generation will make their country even more beautiful and not taint its glory. I hope that the young children now will value education and hard work for it is a sad sight to see the young people, teen agers so well-dressed but with bad manners. I hope and pray that these young men will soon realize that image is not everything and that they don\t have to be like someody else nor everyone else in order to feel good. Feeling good about oneself is not everything either. It is in knowing that one is loved and accepted and that one knows the wisdom of self-discipline. I also hope that we, the mothers will live the kind of life that goes beyond the "natural order"--realizing and living out our purpose of raising truly godly and not just "religious" children, helping them realize their individual purposes as well, and teaching them to dream and pursue the good their heart desires. I pray we plant this seed in the hearts of other mothers as well, give them hope of something that will grow out of their sacrifices..that, if they dare to sacrifice.

Allah bless Libya, her children, her future, and most of all, her mothers.

Wondering, Thanking

2009-03-19T00:46:00.000-07:00

Today is a fine day.
Sam is sitting at my right and Leaf at my left. We are on the floor, as i write and as they both try to cuddle with me. I thank God for their good-just-woke-up-mood.

Two days ago i went to another Ob-gyn of another hospital where i decided to give birth since it's closer to our house. I was suffering from a terrible, griping abdominal pain it was almost like labor pain. After some lab tests we found out it was some infection in my UT and the griping pain was actually gas pains or "gazad" according to my mama in law.
The ob was a woman and she's good.

today we are going as usual to Janzour for a weekend at tito Dan's. im excited because there's a Tourism Festival going on there and Sami will get to ride a camel, inshallah.

now for my wonderings....

The Week in Review

2009-03-15T02:36:00.000-07:00

my week so far...from saturday march 7 to saturday, march 14...

7th -bday, happy, fun, insightful, blessed

8th- went home to welcome in-laws coming from medical check -up in Tunis
9th-hubby bought lappy (notebook) which i think is his gift for me
10th-mama called with the news that lola (grandmother, my maternal grandma's sister) who is almost 90, still beautiful, looks 60, went to a fortune teller to ask where's the land title that she had misplaced. The FT told her that it is with a chinky eyed, pretty girl who is now abroad and concluded that it's me because there\s no other chinese looking girl in her side of the family who is based abroad...the FT told her the girl (i) did not do it on purpose because the paper happened to be inside the bag that she lent/gave us.

facts: we checked the bag (of course) before we packed the clothes in...three months after we arrived here we sent it back since we know that Lola is almost-borderline-senile-but still physically strong and might "change" her mind about "having given" us her travelling bag and would say she only lent it to us or worse, we stole it, lol.

now she doesn't know where her bag is (which tito brought with him back home) which contains her land title, according to the fortune teller. (sigh)

11th- made list of tugon from the Philippines and left the section "for coming baby" blank
- organized closets and made a mental list of new essetials needed for the bedroom/baby's area

12th- went to janzour for a weekend at tito dan's

- removed my wedding ring from my finger which is getting chubbier and wore the ring as a pendant

13th- got a call from sis in Dubai in need of immediate financial assistance (issued a check for apartment rental due on sunday march 15 and found out that the signatory of the company check they are supposed to encash earlier is in Jordan)

- ever thoughtful, kind and concerned husband of mine secured the cash 12 midnight

14th - 12 noon Tito and husband sent money through Western Union but it was closed already.
- 5pm, dropped tito at Grand Hotel branch and went to my Ob Gynie for my pre natal
- while waiting at the clinic, tito called and asked us to go back to Grand hotel for they only accept 1 thou USD and we are sending 1,500.
- had ultra sound...Sami and Leaf watched the "tv" to see the baby and found out they are going to have a baby sister. I wept with joy...
-went straight to see tito at Grand Hotel so hubby can send the 500...
-news from tito when we arrived: his 500USD was pick-pocketed while waiting in line. second news: he saw the clerk wrote the recipient address: Philippines, assuming that Tito is sending for the Phils.

- for Tito and my hubby it was a very stressful 3-hour journey complaining, reporting the error and going from this branch to the main branch and thinking about the money lost...
-

deep inside i was peaceful, quiet, and happy at the backseat just thinking about the baby in my tummy, despite Leaf's tantrums in the car and that Sami was having diarrhea and was getting car sick...

later on, tito asked about the baby and i think their mood changed as i kept on ranting about the baby...the preparations we need and the blessings knowing that she's going to have a lot of beautiful hand me downs from her cousin KZ in Dubai and the decors for the bedroom, etc.

still it was a blessed day. just as my husband said "money can always be found for it is just money."

The week was basically the usual...events were trivial but oh the insights it brought.

Good Chinese and That Beautiful Souk

2009-02-25T04:23:00.000-08:00

I have been craving for chinese food, the real good kind of chinese because i am sick and tired of the 3-minute noodles. I saw one restaurant on the way to Janzour but am not sure if it's really Chinese or Korean. I am looking forward to be treated out by my habibi on my coming birthday. For now, these noodles will do.

And oh we went to the gold souk (either i forgot the name or wasn't told) located at the center of Tripoli and i super love it. Too bad i forgot to bring the camera. It was lovely and so are the gold and silver accesories. I could not wait to go back there and i hope it would be this coming weekend. The advantage of re-discovering "shopping" and in a new place is bent towards the people back home. I am now making a long list of what to send to who (friends and family). And the disadvantage, obviously is the damage it will do to our budget (lol). Good thing though, budget could be re-done/adjusted but a good bargain just could not be missed.

I also am looking forward to checking out stuffs in September and Buslin (? i don't know if that spelled correct) for i was told they have lower price there. I am nesting so this must probably be the reason for a long list of what to buy- bags (for the new baby and me), maternity dresses, crib, some linens, stuffs for the bedroom im planning to re-do (sheets, pillows, wall, carpeting, etc...)

I think i am really going to have a girl this time. My new (male, oh yes) gynie predicted a girl but this March, Inshallah we'll find out. I am a little upset because i could not name the baby Yzoebelle for it should be an Islamic name. I prepared Yusef for a boy but i am still researching for a girl's Islamic name that starts with letter Y but doesn't end in letter I or A. I like Aishaa but i hope i could change the spelling to Yshaa. I don't like Yasmin. I want something meaningful. Aishaa means "life, proseprity, living". And Yzoebelle means "beautiful life."

Ahhh dreams...*sigh*

Heaven to my Heart

2009-02-11T03:36:00.000-08:00

I saw these photos from a cd and could not describe well enough the emotions that came rushing through me...

oh how time travels fast, far away from us

though leaving us something close to hold on to.

Memories...

On Libyan Children: A Reply to Comments

2009-02-07T04:17:00.000-08:00

This post has been hiding for months in my draft and i guess it is time to publish this.

I have received various answers to questions in my post, To All Libyan Bloggers. The ladies seem to differ in their opinions concerning Libyan children. This is one particular topic i would like to discuss. The quite vast experience i have with a hundred mothers and children here (about 4 sisters in law, 6 aunts in law, 3 family friends, and about 20 young children ages 2-9) made me begin questioning whether kids here are rotten spoiled or plain neglected. The same experience has gradually given me notions on how these little ones are being raised. Thus, based on experiences shared by a lot of us women here in Libya, let me dissect the issue.

Routine
Definitely they do not have a routine nor do they understand the concept of such.We visited one family friend three months after we arrived and at about 9pm, Sami began to be extra-hyperactive and Leaf wailed and wailed. We were in the middle of dinner and my husband explained to his friends that the boys are very sleepy and we have to change their diapers and would be going home right after we finish eating. One of the women asked as if what we're doing is a very strange thing, "Is that like a schedule for them?" I just smiled and explained that they usually act that way when they are sleepy, so they have to be in bed.

I asked my SILs about the sleeping habits of their small boys and they said the boys lie down when the parents are also in bed and that would be about 11 or 12 midnight. Good thing though, they get enough sleep because the kids usually wake up at 11am.The meal time also vary, depending on the mother's availability.

One time i went out with the aunt in law of my husband, we brought our little ones with us to the mall. We have been there four hours already and we haven't given the kids any food to eat even before we left the house. Her boy seems okay and so are Sam and Leaf since they were inside the playhouse. But my tummy was already grumbling since it was almost 9pm. I asked my husband to buy some sandwich, and we ate. When we dropped his aunt home, she asked us to stay for dinner. It was 10pm, my boys are asleep in the car and we just ate.

What i know is that routine should be started at a very early age. Toddlers should understand that there is "time for everything" and that when they begin school, they will not have a hard time following schedules.

"Kali"
This is one word i began to hate the moment my 2 1/2 yr old nephew fell off the stairs and almost broke his nose. It happened barely two months after we arrived and i thought somebody is watching Sami whenever they tell me to let him play with his cousins. I didn't know they run up and down the stairs (that time Sami was still a bit afraid of going up the stairs so he'd rather stay beside me) and the mothers seem proud that their toddlers are becoming "independent." From then on, i refused to let Sami out of the house, go downstairs (we live on the third floor) without an adult with him.

I have been tagged "overprotective" even by my husband but i think i am just being "extra protective" considering the fact that Sami is JUST a TODDLER, beginning to develop balance, and agi lity...what if he is accidentally pushed? Who will i blame? The other toddler because he isn't "disciplined"? What if he touches an open wire (one time i caught one nephew inserting the handle of a teaspoon inside an electric socket.) An accident takes one split second...and i do not like to hear lines like "It is part of life..." or "Sometimes, Allah allows these things to happen...

"Deadly Kiddie Mobile Game"
This is a fact: kids sticking their heads while inside a moving car, babies who can walk are left without seatbelts, playing in the backseat of a moving car, small kids playing in the luggage compartment of a moving car (this happened to Sami, i was trying to pull him and his cousin out and i was told, with a smile, like i am so provincial-coming-from-the-mountains, "kali.")

Their rationale: let the kids discover and learn things...so they will be independent and strong...they said i should not control Sami too much or else he will grow up wild and uncontrollable.

Is this how they let small children learn? By leaving them alone? And in unimaginable places and situations? Without any adult to watch them?

My rationale: i let Sami run around Janzour village, play in the beach and even eat sand...i let them alone in safe places, where i can see them, where i know they will not hurt themselves.

I asked one mother whose son was playing with Sami if she knows where her son is because i could not find the boys inside the house (with about 10 women busy in the kitchen, in the living room getting henna tatoo and having tea) and she just said to me "i don't know..." then i ran out to find the boys already in the sidewalk, one of them about to cross the street (and they are all two year olds!!!!!)

Inside a living room with 5 women, i was busy picking up crawling babies who crawl towards wires (phone wires, tv wires, etc) and nibble on them like teethers...and the women are so out-of-the-room, as if the babies are not there...and they'd tell me not to keep on lifting my one-year old Leaf who climb chairs wanting to play with figurines.

One time i scolded Sami and told him not to go into "that" room and just play in the lawn. I pulled him out and then i was told "kali" again...and that it's okay to let him play in that bedroom. After one minute, i heard a glass broke. Sami broke a large coffee mug that served as pen holders...then i was told, "no problem." But Sami already cut his finger.

We were all visiting a relative who's having a party that night to welcome a baby girl. All five mothers are busy putting on make-up, dressing up while some babies are on the floor crying, and two are in my room, also crying. I was watching all four crying babies including mine...and the women were calling me, "Pinky!" to come and change and put on make-up. I told them later...for how could i leave these babies in the room? One of the women came and had to drag me out of the room and i was straining my neck to see who'll be watching Leaf and the other babies. No one. The door was closed, and there were wires, and tables and too many breakables inside that room. I had to run back and take all the babies and put them on the floor where the women are busy adorning themselves.

Honestly, i am envious of how good-natured and relaxed the women here are. I wish i could be as "relaxed" as them and not worry too much about my children. I wish i could afford to have time to go to dress up, put on make-up, go to parties and leave them to the care (?) of relatives from 9pm (time to prepare them to bed) to 2am...then wake up at 7am (the time my boys wake up.) But then i also do not want to find myself one day wishing that i had given more attention to my children.

What i know is that the first five years are crucial to a child's development. It might be very difficult for them later on to "unlearn" some things they have picked up both consciously and subconsciously when they were little.

Bottomline
While i do not want to be judgemental i also do not want to leave things unspoken for the sake of the little children. In my opinion, most kids here are neglected. I admit i have my own misgivings as a mother and am aware that i can be a pushover mom sometimes, yet i am working on my own issues as i learn.
The truth is that even though these things written are fact-based, the mothers i mentioned love their children in their own special way (only a demented woman doesn't.) Maternal instinct and plain common sense is still evident. I should know that based on how my husband was raised. He grew up to be a gentleman, thoughtful, loving, and caring. And i want my boys to grow up like him. Still, i do not know which played largely in his development - nature or nurture for unlike all the other men/husbands in his family, he is the only one who likes to cook and help a woman in the kitchen. He is the only one who helps his wife vacuum the floor and even take out the garbage. He can even be "abused" by his wife (imagine him a tiger but me a lion, lol) but can still stay silent, strong and secure of himself. Hey wait, i am now tackling a totally different issue here...On Libyan Husbands...now, wouldn't that be another nice topic?
Hmmm, i am now starting to think about it. :)

A Cut Deeper than the Real One

2009-02-03T23:52:00.000-08:00

A mother's cut.

Sami smashed his finger two days ago. Feb. 2 at 10 am.
I shut the kitchen door on his chubby little pointer and it bled so bad.
I bled more i think.
He is okay now while i still wrench in pain deep inside
everytime i see his wound a bit moist.
He cries when i change him, when anything touches his swollen finger.
I too hurt as if i didn't stitch up my heart and a little spurt of blood goes.
A spurt of guilt?

I consoled myself with the thought that Sami knows his Mama loves him.
He clang to me for an hour, wailing and breaking my heart.
We both knew it was something else that shut the door on his finger...but not Mama.

Strangely we both had the same dream the night before.
In my dream i was playing the piano. (this may be because i haven't played for almost 2 yrs now)
Sami woke up, went to the kitchen and the first thing he said to me was not "good morning mama" but "Mama, i want piano." I knew he woke up on a dream because he still looked so sleepy. So i said "Okay, we will get the guitar" (we don't have a piano and Sami always calls the guitar "piano") but he said "No Mama, piano like this," showing me his fingers playing an imaginary keyboard. (this may be because of Sesame Street or frequent replays of Tom and Jerry)
I went to get the guitar and let Sami play. But he wanted me to play which is unusual for him. So i played the guitar, Leaf woke up and they both danced as i played and sang. A good 10 minute after i brought them to the kitchen so i can get their breakfast ready. After getting bored with toys, Sami found a styrofoam from a box and started to crumble it. Leaf began to eat the little styro balls. so i began to clean but Leaf tried to "help" me by shoving more balls into his mouth. So i decided to let them out for a while until i finish sweeping the mess off the floor. I was telling them to stay outside the kitchen for a while while i was slowly closing the door. They were smiling, happily looking at me (because Mama always makes them laugh) and then when i shut the door i heard Sami scream. His finger was blue and bleeding. When he saw it, he wailed, "Blohhhhd!!!" And so the drama-slash-action-and a dash of comedy-of-the-day began.

Until today i still have muscle pains from carrying the 18 kilo-Sami all around the house. He won't let go of me and was crying and clinging onto me as i dash from the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom, getting my phone to call Tarek, washing his finger, getting the first aid kit, scooping Leaf who was about to ride on the computer monitor...It was crazy. I was crying too for i bled with my son. But thank God for answered prayers. My sister in law came and helped me out.

Here's another line from Riding in Cars with Boys:

"Sometimes we love people so much, we have to numb it. If we actually felt how much it would kill us."

If it doesn't kill you...

2009-01-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

Riding in Cars with Boys (the film) never fails to move me to tears every time i watch it. This time i learned something new that is related to some discovery i had of myself.

The line of Jason, Beverly's son struck something within me. He said, "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you want to die." It is so true to me though leading to a bigger truth of a quote it revised: "If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger." See, in the process of wanting to die i have grown a kind of strength so amazing. I guess there has been some kind of death inside me that allowed something new and better to spring out. As another quote (a favorite of my mother) said: "You can only change yourself, not someone else." In my case, it is the situation that has changed me since i could not change it. It is something similar to "If you can' t beat 'em, join 'em." This probably explains why things seem to be looking better and clearer. I have embraced the pain, accepted the challenge and have gotten into the "fight." Learning as well as tasks become easier and new dreams begin to emerge.
Oh how these quotes warm our cold and melt those fears away! (now that's an original by me *chuckles*)

Been Away and now An Interview

2009-01-03T02:05:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since my last online visits and email checks for i was busy during the Christmas and New Year holidays, baking and taking care of the boys (Sami has colds.) I am happy to receive The Questions from khadijateri on the Interview meme which i joined. It is fun and other than sending me into an introspection, i also remembered my lack of knowledge in blogging. So to Khadijateri, kindly correct some of the instructions which i did not follow quite well. :)

Here are my questions:
1. What made you decide to come to Libya?
My reasons for coming here was to meet my husband's family. We got married in the Philippines and stayed there for four years and i deemed it unfair for my husband to not let his family see his wife and children. Reason two is to "find greener pastures" because one middle class family in the Philippines could not raise funds enough to start a good business there while here in Libya with a good paying job, a family man could thrive well with wise financial management.

2. What was your very first impression of Libya - the impressions you got on your very first day here?
My husband's family, especially his mother is amazing and they still are to me. We were welcomed with a big celebration, our house was ready and complete with all appliances we need, the pantry and fridge are fully stocked, and for our first month we were treated almost like royalties. The people were super accomodating.

3. What do you miss most from home?
Freedom and openess. Sun, sea, sky, malling, swimming and laughters of and with family or friends.

4. What did you expect to find here but didn't (and caused you dissapointment).
Freedom and openess. My husband told me that Libya has become more "open" now to western culture but then i find myself acting and living a certain way that is far from "open" and "westernized." I also expected to be able to leave my boys in the care of family members sometime when i want to go out but could not. It's not that they won't help but it's my own personal issue. I could not find myself able to entrust my boys to the care of family members here. So i am stuck 24/7 with the boys in the house and could only go out whenever my husband is available, that happens about twice or once a month and sometimes never, especially when my unlce is outside Tripoli. To think, back home i always go out with my boys - to visit my parents, go to malls, see friends, do some grocery shopping, etc.

5. How has your life changed since you came here?
I think i have become stronger and wiser. Being used to having a helper back home, I did not expect myself to survive almost 11 months now without a househelp here. I have become more domesticated and quite tamed, with vanities now stripped away from me by choice. My values have changed in such a way that i could not wait to go home and shower my parents with all the love, care and attention that they deserve to receive from a daughter. I am blessed by how Libyan women serve their husbands as well as their parents.

And here's the requisite tag:

If you'd like to play along, just follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Best Gift from my Boys

2008-12-24T02:19:00.000-08:00

Words...

Sami's latest lines are the following:
1. "No thanks"
2. "Put that back"
3."Shofie Mama" ("look, mama")
4. "dedie" (i think Libyan baby slang for "painful")
5. "Just a minute"
6. "i want" this or that or "i don't want/like" this or that

Leaf's words:
1. "No" (first word he can speak and understand, next to "mama" and "papa"...*sigh*)
2. "jooo" ("juice" but he actually means he wants to drink, even water)
3."hata" ("give me" which means "give" in arabic)
4. "nena" (grandma)
5. "lolo" (grandpa, in Filipino)
6. "yum" (eat)

Leaf understands the following:
1. Kitchen and "cook" (he knows where it is and what it is)
2. Tell him "wash" and he will go straight to the bathroom
3. "lie down", "pick", "give" and "get"
4. He points his "tummy" "head" "eyes" "nose"
5. "kiss" (he is the best lip smacker i have ever known!!!)

Other words that Sami regularly uses:
Please, Thank you or "shukran", taala or come here, please, "tibi" (i want...though he should say"nibi"), Where?, Mino? (for "who"), Here, There, "Oh no!", Yes, "Gosh!" "Wow!" ....

Sami is a cuddler and a hugger while Leaf is a kisser. They both may ransack their drawers but when i say "help mama" or "clean up" they will pick their clothes up and put them back in the drawer. The latest "art" of Sami today is another "abstract" on the wall in the living room. I will have to ask Tarek to buy white paint for Sami will be called "big problem" again when an uncle or aunt sees his crayola doodles on the walls of the house.

this was taken on the first day of 2009. they were watching Tom and Jerry and acting like Tom and Jerry. the background is Sami's "abstract" crayola doodles on the wall. and that's just one of the four designed walls of the living room.

The boys' latest "feat" as of yesterday was dismantling/ breaking their underwear drawer. I was in the kitchen and heard a "blag!" from the bedroom and behold, there is Leaf inside the lower drawer and Sami, proudly showing me the parts of the upper drawer which they finally decapitated after taking out all their clothes.

The best gift i know i will be receiving from Sami will be words that suprised me about five months ago..."It's okay mama...don't cry" (i was acting one time to show him that pulling my hair hurt me and he said these words, stroking my face.) "It's okay mama, Sami's here" - these when i was acting scared and he hugged me, and "Too much mama? love?" - meaning "you love me so much mama?" when i hugged him and kissed him and "I love you too mama."
And from Leaf will be his sweet, wet kisses.

2008-12-20T04:11:00.000-08:00

Tito arrived last saturday. We picked him up at the airport at 2pm after my check up. He brought with him everything listed in my tugons plus dresses, shoes, pink flip flops, and goodies for the boys. We stayed in Janzour from thursday night to monday night and i was quite exhausted running after the boys who kept on climbing over furnitures. There was no mention about "going home."

Mama called last monday and they (she and tito) plan to raise funds so we can go home by April next year. I do not know if my uncle really has this in his mind since he is also planning to get a helper for me in the house. Everything is unclear. Even my OB-GYN said that i will be fine, that there's nothing wrong with my palpitations and shortness of breath and that the baby is fine. I asked her about the heartbeat count but she said there's a heartbeat but it's not yet important as of now (2 months) to know the heart rate of the baby and that her ultrasound doesn't have an audiogram. Well, back in my country my OB-Gyn has a handy audiogram and they get the heartbeat of the fetus as early as 2 months old. She said i will have to wait until i will be 35 weeks. OMG! i could not believe what i just heard. Some babies do get distressed earlier than that...but i have no choice but to "trust" her.

It's getting colder and closer to CHristmas...i feel older and so far from home.

To All Libyan Bloggers

2008-12-09T02:28:00.000-08:00

If you are a Libyan or living in Libya (Tripoli) perhaps you can share some things that would be of help to me.

These things i need to know:

1. Where is the best hamburger here?

2. A good private hospital (servicing patients well especially during emergencies) and OB-GYN

3. Is "saba" banana (Musa sapientum) available here?

4. A day care center for toddlers (primary language English) - operators, location and cost

5. Average monthly salary for nannies (Morroccan, Malaysian or Filipinos) - stay in or stay-out

6. A Yoga gym/instructor

7. The best pastry shop here (selling cream puffs)

Others:

1. Do you think that the Libyan "Leader" will make good his promise (concerning oil money) by early 2009?

2. Is it true that most Libyans like to talk a lot but actually do so little? (is there proof of this? some form of statistical research?)

3. Is there a book/website about the Psychology of the Libyan people?

4. Are young children in Libya spoiled rotten or plain neglected?

Since the internet is my socalled "sole" connection to the outside/real world i am hoping that people might help me understand and adjust to this culture.

I will also be probably venting all my anger, frustrations here though on a reasonable level concerning my life in this country since it is actually the cause of the hypocrisy that have developed in me and which i detest.

All the bottled up emotions and thoughts in the (so far) nine months of stay here is beginning to pour. There will be a careful outpouring of fluids and issues hopefully into the right and ready glasses. The "sole connection" previously mentioned will be tackled. This will answer the questions "What about your husband's family and friends?" "Don't you consider them as your connections here?" or "Aren't they part of the outside/real world you're talking about?"

So to the free, honest, open, outspoken, hyper-critical and hypocritical, well-informed, sincere, sane, logical...all those with issues same as or opposite mine, willing to help or interested to spite me, please comment. I will further expound matters related to things listed above. For now, i wait for replies as i seethe in silence.

This "outburst" may just be part of my 1st trimester infanticipating but i believe this to be a productive kind of outburst.

With high hopes to mature into a citizen of the world and an individual who can contribute to the society's growth,

Pinky

p.s.
I would like to thank On the Edge of Something for her comments on my posts which has helped me keep my balance, kept me from either jumping nor holding on. She also helps keep the "spark" in my blog.

Eid Mubarak to all.
(to think this should be on the top of this piece, but i deem it better to place this greeting here to signify the change of mode in my posts.)

Pondering on These Truths

2008-12-09T02:11:00.000-08:00

Calm Down and Cheer Up!
by Joyce Meyer

Today it seems as if everyone is under stress. It’s become a normal part of our everyday lives. As long as we keep that stress at a reasonable limit, there's no problem. But when we allow it to exceed that limit, trouble begins.

For example, a chair is built to sit on. It’s designed and constructed to bear a certain amount of weight. If used properly, it should last a very long time. But if overloaded beyond its capacity, it begins to wear out prematurely and eventually break down completely under the strain.

In the same way, you and I were designed and created to bear a certain amount of physical, mental and emotional strain day after day. However, problems arise when we allow ourselves to come under more weight than we’re capable of supporting.

A word we don't hear much about today is prudence. It means "careful management: economy." In the Bible, prudence or prudent means "being good stewards or managers of the gifts God has given us to use." Those gifts include time, energy, strength and health—even material possessions. They include our bodies, as well as our minds and spirits.

Just as each one of us has been given a different set of gifts, each of us has been given different levels of ability to manage those gifts. Some of us are better able to manage our gifts than others.

Each of us needs to know our limits—we need to know how much we can handle. We need to be able to recognize when we’re reaching "full capacity" or "overload." Instead of pushing ourselves into overload to please others or satisfy our own desires of reaching personal goals, we need to listen to and obey what God’s telling us to do. We must follow His wisdom if we really want to enjoy blessed lives.

Did you know that anything can cause stress? Stressors can be big or little things. In addition, what causes you stress may not bother someone else. And what bothers you today may not bother you tomorrow. For example, going to the grocery store and becoming upset by high prices may be a stressor for you. Then the process of paying for your groceries (especially if money is tight) may become a stressor. The checker in your lane runs out of change and has to shut down temporarily. You switch to a new lane and learn five of your items don't have a price on them. The checker has to call for a price check on each one while you wait, and the line behind you grows. These small, seemingly innocent circumstances pile up until you feel you’re going to explode from the pressure.

Nobody can remove all the big and little things that cause stress in our lives. That’s why we must be prudent in identifying the stressors that affect us most and learn how to respond to them correctly. We must recognize our limits and learn to say no to ourselves and others.

Stressors not managed properly can mount up one by one, bringing us to our breaking point. We may not be able to eliminate or reduce many of the stressors in our lives, yet we must concentrate on reducing their effects on us. We can't control all of our circumstances, so we must adapt our attitude and not let them pressure us.

It seems the very atmosphere of the world today is charged with stress and pressure. But the good news is, we don't have to operate in the world's system—reacting like people in the world who have no hope for peace in their lives. The world responds to difficulties by becoming upset and stressed, but our attitude and approach should be entirely different.

We need to have a change of attitude. The right attitude and approach can completely turn a situation around. Instead of stressing out and tensing up, calm down, take a deep breath and try to get some perspective on the situation.

When we approach a circumstance already stressed out, we’re setting ourselves up for misery before we begin. Instead, refuse to allow your circumstances to dictate how you’re going to feel. You may not be able to control the situation, but you can control how you respond to it. Take an offensive approach and decide beforehand what your attitude will be. Then the door will be opened for God to supernaturally help you through your choice to calm down and cheer up.

The Root of the Matter

2008-12-09T00:13:00.000-08:00

TAKE STEPS TOWARD FREEDOM

People are born to be free; it’s a gift from God. We’re not to be free from responsibility, but free to be led by the Holy Spirit. Any time our freedom is taken away or given away, we experience anger. Are you willing to go through whatever it takes to be free, or do you want to stay in the mess you're in for the rest of your life? If you want to be free, just start doing what God wants you to do, one step at a time, and you’ll eventually walk out of your messes. When we are battling anger, we must realize that ...we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12 KJV). When Satan makes you angry, remember that he's trying to keep you from accomplishing the will of God in your life. In 2 Timothy 4:5, Paul told Timothy to be calm, cool and collected and to keep performing the duties of his ministry. That’s good advice for all of us. When we get angry, we should calm down and start doing what God has called us to do. You can be bitter or better—it's up to you! If you're mad about something, instead of letting it ruin your life, turn it into something good. Overcome evil and anger by praying for those who hurt and abuse you. Forgive them and be a blessing to them. It may not be easy at first, but when you make the decision and stick with it, God will take care of the rest.

The above article is a portion of "Dealing with Anger...God's Way" an article from joycemeyer.com.

Could Not Help Myself

2008-12-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

I had to tell my mother about my pregnancy.

She called me early this morning wanting to know what kind of shoes, dress, undies (color, design, etc.) i want. So i told her. After the phone conversation i could not help feeling guilty. Those things she will be sending through tito might not fit me a few months from now and i thought she deserves to know now. After all, she's not just my mother, she's also my friend. (sigh...)

So what was expected to happen did happen during the phone conversation with mama. She immediately told me to "come home and give birth here." She said they (she and papa) will support us (that means pay for hospital/delivery expenses) and will provide a job for Tarek, etc. I know she's so worried. She began to plan for me...our trip, the date, the job that will be waiting for me after i take the Teacher's Board exam, the boys' nanny...it was almost an endless list until we were cut off for she has probably exhausted her cellphone load. I had to call her, to reassure her that everything will be just fine here and we should not make drastic decisions because it might not be wise to go home yet. We left to seek "greener pastures" and with hope to come back with some "seeds to grow" to sustain our family there. I cannot imagine going back bringing with us greater needs and more loads for others to carry. Everything has to be carefully planned and prayed for.

I know that a baby is a gift from God and along with this come grace, provision of needs and protection from dangers and diseases. Yet along with this too come changes, and probably a divine direction we may not understand but need to trust. Maybe going home will provide for us better opportunities, more safety and better health. Though everything we need materially is met here, i do not know if the boys' need for a healthy and ever available mother will continually be met, considering my very stressful situation. Still i hold on to God's grace, availing of it everyday. I also never ceased to hope that the sacrifices im making will soon be rewarded. If we are going home soon, then this hope shines even brighter. If not, then God's grace will abound in my life here.

Love Means Sacrifice, Not Selfishness

2008-12-05T22:45:00.000-08:00

This is from my daily devotional, and one big lesson i need to learn and live.

Love Means Sacrifice, Not Selfishness
by Joyce Meyer

No matter how long you may live, you’ll never stop learning. Every minute of every day brings new opportunities to learn something we’ve never known before. As long as we’re open to receive, God will continue to teach us every day.

I’m still learning, and I know I always will be. What God teaches me every day about love continues to change my life. I’ve come to the place where I can honestly say, “Lord, eliminate everything in my life that’s holding me back. Please take away anything that’s keeping me from walking in love and finding true fulfillment in my life.” In other words, “Lord, reduce me to love—bring me to a state or condition of walking in love completely!”

One of the most important facets I’ve learned about love is unselfishness, which is characterized in the Bible as a willingness to sacrifice one’s own wishes for those of others. I’ve learned that true love will always adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of other people.

It’s impossible for people who’ve truly been reduced to love to be selfish. God has taught them how to be totally adaptable and adjustable to others. Selfish people, on the other hand, have hard hearts. It’s very difficult for them to learn anything—especially if it involves self-sacrifice. They expect everyone else to adjust to them and their needs. They simply don’t know how to adjust to others without becoming angry or upset.

Learning to adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of others was very difficult for me. To be honest, I wanted my way, and I got upset when I didn’t get it. I was selfish! I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it! I couldn’t stand having to wait on someone else or bending my own wishes to accommodate someone else’s timetable.

But God began to soften my heart, and gradually I learned to see the needs of others. Then God gave me compassion—the heartfelt desire to meet the needs of others first before my own.

Slowly, I became committed to walking in love. I learned to adapt my own needs and desires in order to help meet the needs of others. I learned how to show love in different ways to different people. Not all people need the same thing from us. One of our children, for example, may need more of our personal time than the others. One of our friends may need more encouragement on a regular basis than another.

For example, all of my family members need me, my employees need me, my friends need me—and they all need me in different ways.

Do I ever feel too needed? Of course! We all feel overwhelmed from time to time. But I remind myself that God gives me grace for whatever He places in my life, and I’m fortunate to be loved and needed by so many.

If I ever get weary of always trying to be available to meet the needs of others, I remind myself of all the years I lived in selfishness and how unhappy I was. Now I’m just making up for lost time! When I think on this, it doesn’t take long for me to adjust my attitude. After all, just telling people “I love you” is not enough. We need to go beyond the words and actually do something to help meet their needs.

My husband, Dave, loves to play golf, so I try to make sure our schedule gives him opportunities to play. But there was a time when it angered me for him to play golf. I was miserable because I hadn’t learned to adjust to his needs or desires. I wanted him to make all the adjustments.

I never acknowledged the many ways in which Dave adjusted to my needs. I never saw what he did do—only what he didn’t—and it was ruining our relationship. I’m glad that I’ve learned to adapt and adjust. It was a little hard on me for a while, but it saved our marriage.

Once you’ve been reduced to love, you’ll have no trouble establishing and maintaining good, healthy relationships with others. Your primary goal in life will be to put the wishes of others before your own. You’ll learn that true love is all about sacrifice and selfishness will be a thing of the past.

A Breathe of Fresh Air

2008-12-04T02:03:00.000-08:00

I had just chatted with my brother's wife, Michelle via YM and it was like a breath of fresh air exchanging thoughts with her. I haven't really talked with them since i left home and i missed them so much. She said "sayang" mama was not around that time but i told her it's okay because i miss them more and i chatted with mama last sunday and will chat with her again this coming weekend. I spilled the beans to her and asked her to pray for divine guidance. I really want to go home but maybe i am not ready yet - financially, mentally.

Another breather i took/encountered today was from scribd.com, Wake up and Live, a book by Dorothea Brande written in 1936. It's just what i needed to know and do.

On a day like this

2008-12-03T01:03:00.000-08:00

When the boys are extra challenging, when back pains and migraine headache attack, when i couldn't seem to care less about piles of laundry and dirty dishes yet deep inside i am already tired just thinking about it, when a second after i scrubbed the kitchen floor the boys spit carrots and spilled milk under the table...screams and cries, and the fetus inside me also seem to complain through my abdominal pains...Days like these make me want to go home, and review my values, my dreams, my priorities. They seem to tangle and entangle me, leaving me all in knots. Or this is just a hormonal thing...Should i say "my hormones want me to go home?"

This is another crazy day just like any other day. I live in a country led by a man known to be quite disorriented and yet who knows that his being could be instrumental to leading my family to financial freedom...and eventually we can go back to my country. I do not know how much would be this "oil money" he talked of giving to the citizens of this country by next year, but im pretty sure it would be quite a sum. I am sad for most people here though since i am pretty sure this "oil money" will vanish like smoke in the hands of the equally disorriented. On the other hand, who knows he might change his mind again and save the people from chaos. I am now venting my anger like screaming on top of my lungs on top of a mountain overlooking a beautiful landscape, a dream that i could not touch. I do not know what i am exactly talking about right now. I am just angry. I am running out of patience. I am on the verge of ...

TRYING TO KEEP SANE
I am trying to recall what kept me strong, sane and serene in the past nine months i am here. Or perhaps i was all along weak, deluded, and troubled masking the seething anger beneath another persona? The boys may be keeping me busy everyday but this is the loneliest existence i have ever known in my life. To keep myself from regressing, i planned on getting a job only to end up being offered 800 dinars because this is the salary locals receive. The interview went like this:

Position for Secretary in an Oil Company
Mr R: So you are married?
Me: Yes sir
Mr R: To a Filipino?
Me: To a Libyan
Mr R: You met in the Philippines or here?
Me: We met in my country, lived there for four years...we have 2 little boys now and are living with my husband's family here
Mr R: Oh so the family accepted you?
Me: Why not sir? They are an amazing people
Mr R: Are they really from Libya or from other towns?
Me: My father in law is originally from Slitton but he grew up and raised his family here in Tripoli
Mr R: So how do you find Libya? Do you like it here?
Me: I like my husband's family, i cannot say anything yet about Libya in general because i haven't seen it's entirety yet...not even the people.
Mr R: (reviewing my CV) so you worked as _____before? what exactly does this "traffic department" means (referring to my previous job in a telecommunications company)
Me: It's where telephone operators work...
Mr R: (interrupting me) so how much salary do you expect to receive from this company?
Me: I expect to receive the same as Filipino workers are receiving monthly, including other benefits
Mr R: But oh, you are a Libyan now, you are married to a Libyan
Me: I am still a Filipino sir...how much are you offering sir?
Mr R: (sigh) hmmm, 800
Me: Is that dollar or dinar?
Mr R: Dinar
Me: (sigh and smile, no answer)
Mr R: Well that should be enough for you. 800 dinar is a good amount to earn, and you get to work than stay in the house watching your kids, you also get to treat them outside sometimes.
Me: I need to WEIGH my options sir...my priorities are my boys and i do not know if this amount will compensate for a long daily absence in the home.
Mr R: Yes, you will WAIT, we will call you.
Me: (i knew he did not hear me right) Sir i will WEIGH things first (talking with my hands demonstrating "weighing")
Mr R: (still did not get it) Ok, we will call you
Me: Thank you sir (stood up and went out.)

A month after they called me and asked if i am still interested to take the job. I said if the offer is the same, i cannot take it. I want to receive the same salary as the other Filipinos are receiving. Besides, they do not even have to pay for my visa, for air fare, etc...and they will be getting the same quality of service professionals are giving the company. I knew that they're looking for Filipinos and even hiring from the Philippines, so why treat me like the locals? And why are locals treated like this? It is not fair.

The next day after that call, i was informed that the management staff are going to deliberate on the bargain i asked for then they will call me again afterwards. I kept my cool and said, okay. I have actualy decided it's not worth it. Besides it's not really my field. I will just wait for my TOR and apply as a pre school/music teacher. Two weeks after this decision, I found out im pregnant.

NOW THE CHANGES
I know i could not work now that i am pregnant. Both my previous pregnancies were difficult and i had to rest in bed for months. I had a delicate pregnancy with Sami, a little stress and i have spotting. With Leaf, i had placenta previa and had to stay in bed for months. I had a C section with Leaf and lost a lot of blood. My doctor told me to have one last pregnancy, schedule a C section and then she will have to tie my tubes. I could not take pills because i have become hypertensive, nor could an IUD be attached in me.
Now i have a new Ob-Gyne (of Libyan Swiss clinic) and she doesn't recommend tying my tubes. I complained about my abdominal pain but unlike my Ob-Gyne in the Philippines, she did not give me any medications. I told her my medical history and she told me just to take it easy and it is no problem going up and down the stairs (three storey flight.)
And this also makes me want to go home. I felt more pampered there even by my Ob-Gyne.

LIGHT BULB AND FLICKER OF HOPE
I didn't knew Ahlam was a creative woman and has a home-based wedding crafts business. We visited her last week and she showed me a sample of her craft which earned her a thousand dinars for an order of 200 pcs. Considering the cost of materials, one can earn only about 200 dollars with an order of 200pcs in the Philippines. So we talked business, since i also used to do the same thing back home and i can provide for her some materials from the Philippines which cost a lot cheaper. Since my uncle is coming back soon, i also added to my list of tugons the materials that Ahlam asked for. This is a blessing if ever this will be pushed through. Ahlam can come over the house or i go to her place with the boys sometimes so we can do the crafts together...or just divide the work load. I also asked her to help me find buyers for the pearl jewelries tito Dan is bringing from home. This will help augment our income or maintain it if we decide to hire a helper (just in case my pregnancy will be another difficult one.)

So mixed are my emotions today that i want to eat green apples dipped in venigar and salt.

Life in Libya II: Adopt, Adapt, Adjust

2008-12-01T23:40:00.000-08:00

Dealing with Culture Shock
pinkytabor (408) ranked 1,150 out of 28,103 in people
4 months ago
In one way or another some of us have been shocked, amused, amazed or even upset by and at how those with different culture do things or live. But eventually we have either adjusted and even adapted some of their ways. I am from the Philippines and my foreigner husband could site too many things that Filipinos do that both shock and amuse him. Then, we moved to his country six months ago and i wa smore shocked than he was when he's in my country. I could not believe how people manage their time here. I wonder how women could afford to sit and talk over tea for hours without worrying at least about something else to do such as house chores, the kids, etc. It seems like "anything goes" for them when it comes to schedule. They usually have breakfast at 10 or 11am, luch at 3 or 4pm, then dinner at 10 or 11pm. By the time dinner comes, i am already very tired and sleepy. Eventually, i have adjusted and realized that these are their way of enjoyment. Women here love to talk and spend time together. It's their way of relieving stress for they have to do everything at home, and most of them having at least 3 small kids. I have also adapted to their "time", learned to sleep at 1 am. The hard thing for me is i tend to lack sleep because i always wake up at 6 or 7am. Waking up late like 9 or 10am is one thing yet i have to learn here.:) I would love to hear amusing and inspiring stories like this. Please share yours.

people

Do you also wonder how some do it?
pinkytabor (408) ranked 93 out of 3,064 in wife
3 months ago
My sister in law lives across us, a door infront our unit. She is an amazingly beautiful woman with two boys age same as mine. I always wonder how she always seem to look fresh, and her house looks so clean and she is always calm despite the riots of her boys in her house. By mid day, i already looked so harrassed, after cleaning the house, doing the laundry and bathing my boys. While she, whenever i bring my two year old to her house to play with her son, has make up on, like she's always looking ready to go out, and her house looks so immaculately clean, and i could smell the cake she's baking. She seem to handle it so well, or maybe because she has nothing else to do but look good, and clean. MAybe she seldom cooks meals and feed her sons, maybe she doesn't really clean the house, it just looks clean. Maybe she doesn't wash herself, just put on perfume and make-up...and maybe she really isn't bothered by her sons climbing on the tv and breaking glasses. Maybe she doesn't worry that her son might fall off the stairs playing when she let him go out while she sits and relax infront of the TV. Maybe schedules is not her thing, because they sleep anytime and eat anytime whenever they feel like. DO you also wonder, like me, how some women - housewives, seem to look so unharassed by the demanding and overwhelming tasks of household management? How do you think they manage it and still look so great and unbothered by anything?

wife

What could be better for a married person than this
pinkytabor (408) ranked 472 out of 29,285 in life
4 months ago
Amazing in-laws. What i have learned from foreigners married to nationals of this country is that 90 percent of divorce is caused by troubles with the in-laws. That includes marriage of both locals. This is a country wherein family ties and "voice" of parents are highly valued. Even some marriages here are still prearranged. I guess even in other countries, and most marriages, troubles with in laws cannot be avoided. And i guess, most problems come from the meddling of a mother-in-law on a couple's life - spoiling the children, coming to the house unannounced and trying to do things her way in housekeeping, etc. My mother raised me up, setting a very good example in respecting and loving the family of her husband. In turn, my father also loved my mother's parents, letting them live with is until both passed away. Now that i am married, i feel so blessed with a wonderful mother in-law, a good natured father in law, super sweet sisters in-law and great brothers in-law. I guess my parents planted a seed on this which now i am enjoying. It's really very rare nowadays to have good, if not great, relationship with in-laws. Good means, open, honest (without any hypocrisy) and loving relationship. My mother in law never fails to come up to our house in the third floor, everyday, bringing me lunch for the past six months already. I know that she is not perfect, just like me, but she is so real. And so are the rest of my husband's family. I am happy to be blessed. This is not luck. This has been secretly wished by my parents when i was born. And i pray for the same to my sons.

life

Life in Libya: Adjust, Adapt, Adopt

2008-12-01T23:14:00.000-08:00

Until now i am still adjusting to life here. It's been nine months since we moved here and even though i have adapted some of the Libyan culture/lifestyle/practices there are still a lot of things i cannot "take." Here are some discussions i have started in Mylot which spurred a lot of comments from people of different nationalities and walks of life. Until now, these are still ongoing issues in my personal/social life here.

How hot does it have to be....
pinkytabor (408) ranked 472 out of 29,285 in life
2 months ago
before i could let my sons wear sleeveless shirts and only one layer of clothing? It's 25 C outside and my in-laws say it's cold. I am from Asia and am used to a hot climate but my boys sweat even inside a 21 degree airconditioned room. We already stopped using the AC here since they said it's already autumn and is getting cold but is 21 C really cold? The sun is up and i feel warm. I get embarassed because my in-laws keep on telling me "saga! saga!", meaning it's cold and the boys should wear at least double layer clothing because they might get sick. But i could not do that because i know they will feel hot. I tried explaining to them that my sons might also get sick if their sweat will dry on their skin (no wonder most kids here have bronchitis.) Even during the onset of spring, they let me wear a long, thick coat when we went out because it's cold. I ended up sweating. So what's cold or what's hot for you before you start either layering up or taking off your clothes?

Am i bad because i am mad at some kids?
pinkytabor (408) ranked 578 out of 13,044 in parenting
2 months ago
My blood pressure is rising right now because of my son's nephews ages 3-5. They are all over the house right now and i could not control them. I think they are spoiled rotten and i wonder why their mothers think letting them on their own would make them independent and responsible - at this age. One is climbing the double decked bed in our bedroom after taking out all my sons' clothes from the drawers, the other one is in the kitchen, eating cheese by the fridge, the other one is tearing the paper alphabets i sticked on the wall and one is playing with my two boys (but he keeps on throwing toys as if they are sand.) They never listen nor do they seem to respect an adult. So i gave up and just keep on guarding this PC. I know this is what happens in nursery school, but i tried everything i can to get their attention/interest but they just want to break things and each other's bones. Tell me, is this normal for kids these age? Because everytime my two year old is in a place not his house, he is always well behave, Well, he does want to explore and sometimes run around but he is not as "active" and hard-headed as these boys who all seem to have ADD or ADHD. I also feel guilty for feeling this, but i tell you, i have tried affection, talking to them on their level, acting like a clown just to get their attention, giving them toys to play with, running after each one....i have tried everything, and i am fed up and i gave up. What i don't like the most is that my two sons are imitating them and i am surprise at Sami (my two year old) throwing a ball at me, hitting my face. Help me understand this...or should i make their mothers understand what their children are doing? How about your kids? Are they well-disciplined?

Do you "abuse" religious expressions?
pinkytabor (408) ranked 2,300 out of 7,876 in religion
2 months ago
I believe that our respective religions is also about God, our faith in him. But do you tend to use/utter expressions such as "In Jesus Name!" or "Bismillah!" or "Praise the Lord/God!" or "Ya Allah!" or "Yaweh!" without really thinking of God? Do you think this is a form of abuse, not just of the expression itself but of the essence of your own religion? I remember when i was seven years old, my entire family was saying the rosary when my five year old brother tripped over my grandma's legs (she was kneeling)and to everybody's surprise my grandma screamed the line "...mother of God pray for uuuuuusss sinnnnnerrrrs...!!!" at the same time pinched my brother's arm. I thought it only happens to Catholics, like one old lady who had just entered a church, dipping her fingers in the holy water and instead of saying "In the name of the Father..." she uttered some curse-words upon seeing a young woman wearing sexy clothes. And lately i just saw my mother in law praying the Magrub and at the same time muttering something to her daughter about preparing the food. I admit that i have also misused the expression "Jesus!". It should not be, don't you think? Lately, i find myself saying "Bismillah" when surprised and i admit i am not thinking really about Allah when i utter the expression. What's your say on this matter?

religion

What is the point of "covering" in some religions?
pinkytabor (408) ranked 2,300 out of 7,876 in religion
2 months ago
I will not specify a religion here but i just want to know why do women have to cover themselves from head to toe in some religion? I know that their holy book said they should but why do other believers don't do it? I mean, it said that you will not go to heaven if you don't cover yourself, but some women go around, though dressing still quite modestly (reasonably covered: high neckline, ankle length hemline, long sleeves) but head uncovered. Does that mean they will not go to heaven? I have known women who are "heaven-bound" when it comes to dressing but oh what they do in secret is super bad. Why is external appearance so great a basis for holiness?

religion

When the past returns...
pinkytabor (408) ranked 801 out of 18,944 in relationships
3 months ago
I now live in a Muslim country where people have high moral standards and conservative beliefs. Just barely two months when we arrived here, the ex-girlfriend of my husband who also is a Muslim and is married called him up. They had dated for about nine years and was even almost engaged but they broke up because my husband decided that if she was going to marry him for money, then better just give her the money and leave. When i met my husband in my country, it has already been four years since the break up but i knew that she still wanted him back for she kept on asking about him back home. Now four years after we got married, we moved to his country and found out, to my surprise that this woman asked for help (it was really vague as related by my sister in law) from my husband about visa for her sister. Anyhow, she kept on calling him (i wonder if her husband knew) to say hi, until one day, she told him that she's by the gate of our house and wanted to see him. He went down, said hi, showed her photos of our family and asked her what she relly wants. She wanted him to help her get a visa for her sister. Anyhow, after my husband related to me the incidents, and gave me her number, i called her and asked her why don't she come over the house and see the family, including my husband's family so that we could talk about what she wants and then help her. I told her that she should have come inside the house and not talk with my husband outside, at least we could have met..She was speechless, and told me why don't i come and visit her instead. So i said to her, yes maybe we could talk in a cafe somewhere. I said, "But what i know, you're the one who want something, so it is best you come and visit us in the house." I guess she was embarassed or something and even asked me if i was angry. Why would i be angry? i asked her. You did not do anything bad, didn't you? Anyhow, she called my sister in law and asked her if my husband was beside me while i was on the phone with her. Of course he was. This has bothered me much because if this happened in my country or some western country, it's not a big deal. I mean, when a woman calls a guy for something, that's what she really wants. But here? She could have asked for "help" from someone else. Why a married man, and her ex for that? And yes, why not ask help from her own husband? I wonder if he knows.

relationships

I Wore Skirt and Long Sleeved Blouse in the Pool
pinkytabor (408) ranked 1,150 out of 28,103 in people
4 months ago
This thing is not strange in the country where i and my family have just moved six months ago. Every weekend we visit my uncle who lives in a flat located in front of the beach. It is a tourist village. People there, just like in my country, swim wearing swim suits. But being married to a local, and have been localized as well, it is not proper for me to wear a swimsuit, nor anything that shows skin when swimming. I cried buckets at the beach arguing my case to my husband. We used to swim a lot together back in my country, and now...? He said i could swim but just wear the appropriate attire. And appropriate means "covered from head to feet." I couldn't do it. I could not imagine myself wearing such in the water. Until the entire family in my husband's side went on a weekend trip at a private beach. I could not resist the water, so i swam. After wards, the women went to the pool side, and to my surprise, my sister in law, clad in long pants and long sleeved blouse made a perfect dive to the pool. Her form was so perfect except for the suit. But for all of them, what we wore was just perfect for a summer day at the pool. I told my husband there is already a swim suit for women in this country and i think its out in the stores now. It is made of the same material of a swimming trunk except that it looks like a tight and leotard and would perfectly and completely cover the entire body. But he said that women here are still not open to such knowing that the material hugs the body so well and shows the woman's figure. Though i had fun, and wearing such attire in the water is an amusing experience for me, i still wonder, what if the skirt or long dress suddenly goes over the head after a dive and shows the underwear? Still, i could not refute the law, more so, a religious and cultural belief. I could only enjoy the moment, and learn.

Would you allow your partner to choose clothes you must wear
pinkytabor (408) ranked 801 out of 18,944 in relationships
4 months ago
My husband wants me to cover myself head to toe when going out. This makes him happy. And for him, knowing his beliefs and culture, this is a sign of my respect and submission to him. I had to give up wearing "smart" clothes (for my standards, its smart, not sexy) and wear what's appropriate for him. But its okay to wear sexy clothes (even nothing, he said) inside our house. Sometimes i struggle really bad inside. I miss the old, carefree, confident me that i used to be. I know that clothes don't make a person but it sure does affect a person's self esteem. But since i love him, i give in. And have forgotten who i was, and have adapted to his style. Would you do the same? For love? For peace?

relationships

What could be better for a married person than this
pinkytabor (408) ranked 472 out of 29,285 in life
4 months ago
Amazing in-laws. What i have learned from foreigners married to nationals of this country is that 90 percent of divorce is caused by troubles with the in-laws. That includes marriage of both locals. This is a country wherein family ties and "voice" of parents are highly valued. Even some marriages here are still prearranged. I guess even in other countries, and most marriages, troubles with in laws cannot be avoided. And i guess, most problems come from the meddling of a mother-in-law on a couple's life - spoiling the children, coming to the house unannounced and trying to do things her way in housekeeping, etc. My mother raised me up, setting a very good example in respecting and loving the family of her husband. In turn, my father also loved my mother's parents, letting them live with is until both passed away. Now that i am married, i feel so blessed with a wonderful mother in-law, a good natured father in law, super sweet sisters in-law and great brothers in-law. I guess my parents planted a seed on this which now i am enjoying. It's really very rare nowadays to have good, if not great, relationship with in-laws. Good means, open, honest (without any hypocrisy) and loving relationship. My mother in law never fails to come up to our house in the third floor, everyday, bringing me lunch for the past six months already. I know that she is not perfect, just like me, but she is so real. And so are the rest of my husband's family. I am happy to be blessed. This is not luck. This has been secretly wished by my parents when i was born. And i pray for the same to my sons.

life

Have Christmas Trees become part of Ramadan?
pinkytabor (408) ranked 2,300 out of 7,876 in religion
2 months ago
I am curious and i want someone to explain this to me. I was surprised to see a Christmas tree in a Muslim friend's house. I thought at first they have converted to Christianity, but no, they are devout Muslims. I felt embarrassed to ask and assumed it was just a house decor (the tree has ornaments too, with balls and stars.) Then during Eid, we went shopping and behold, Christmas trees are on for sale. It felt like Christmas inside the mall, also with colorful lights blinking. I honestly do not know what are those trees for? I mean, this is in a Muslim country. Perhaps they are selling those to Christians? But why do they also have it in their house? And during Ramadan?

This is about medical practitioners
pinkytabor (408) ranked 1,150 out of 28,103 in people
2 months ago
For the first time in my life i have known a doctor/e.r. who diagnosed a patient with having a "hole in the heart" without doing the normal diagnostic procedures. This happened to my mother in law here. They did not even take her blood pressure. It is unbelievable. My uncle who's a nurse (expat) complained and requested for chest x-ray. Then we went to get second opinion. It turned out to be bronchitis. My sister in law was also told that she has STD without getting a pap smear. The doctor said that her husband has STD. So we went to another doctor and hers was a mere/slight infection. My sons had fever for three days, I was shocked to see the doctor just do the stethoscope thing (listen to the chest), then ask me questions like do they vomit? How's the feeding? etc...then, he prescribed medicines, antibiotics. The normal procedures i am used to when taking my sons for a check up are this: take vital signs (body temp., weight, blood tests if fever ran for more than 3 days) and not just listening to the chest. I am now hesitant to go for regular medical checks here. I even took CBC test and had to be injected 3 times! All because the blood they took was not enough. Hello?!!! My uncle said it wasn't a right procedure. Do you have or know some "medical horror stories?" I do not know how these people get to keep their profession. It is sad to say that in this country, medical practitioners regardless of mistakes they have done, are sort of worshiped.

Should I complain or there is nothing wrong with this?
pinkytabor (408) ranked 93 out of 3,064 in wife
3 months ago
How many hours a day does your husband spend being with you and the kids? I am curious because i am on the 'verge' of complaining or maybe i am just feeling a little more sensitive lately and there is really nothing wrong with this. Or there is, and have just noticed it lately. He goes out of the house at 7. The kids wake up at 8. He comes home at 5 and sleeps until 7. SO he basically has about3 hours or less with the kids before bedtime. But he usually goes downstairs, to spend time with his parents, or just hang out by the balcony with his friends. SOmetimes he goes out and comes home at 9. He is always home though to help me bath the kids before thir bedtime. He has one day off a week and sleeps until 11 on that day. When he wakes up, he sometimes just goes out to be with his friends and comes back for lunch (4pm). On some of his days off from work, he visits his sister whose house is a two hour drive away. SPends the whole day there. SOme weekends, he stays out with friends until 12 midnight. He has only one day off from work, so that's basically also his day off from helping me with the boys. Should i complain or should i just try to understand him more? He does help me with housework when he is here though.

There are still more discussions i yet have to post here. I just need to categorized these first. I am hoping to spurr another thread of comments from bloggers here...

Domestic, Diva, and Desperate Housewife

2008-11-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

I am all three, in DH form - domestic, diva, desperate - housewife.
How is that for a headline? Domestic diva desperate...but for what?
Have been thinking about this because of some recent changes in life, disrupting my regular daily routine at home. I am talking about the changing needs/attitudes/temperament of the boys, the new season, and my just-found-out pregnancy. I wrote about my daily schedule before which i have later pretty much adjusted and adapted to. It may be quite crazy for some but i was comfortable with it. It was fine for me to be tired every night. I was okay with my OC-ness. My boys were happy, healthy and safe with me. Until recently when Leaf began to walk and climb on tables, Sami opening closet doors and drawers...If my schedule was crazy before, my daily life at home now is a combination of a circus and a theatre. The boys are like monkeys or clowns or acrobats while i am plain theatrical in movement and voice. My attempts to be un-OC in order to keep really sane for the boys' sake prove only a little effective. Though i wrestle with them on the floor and let them eat Kobsa (bread) in the living room, i still cannot go to bed without vacuuming the floor, cleaning the kitchen, fluffing the pillows, preparing the bed...Some habits are just so hard to break.

Here's how it's like now:

7am-wake up, boil water, brush teeth, wash face, coffee and quiet time, PC

- while doing one of the above Leaf wakes up so he sits with me infront of the PC

- write or check emails, make breakfast, play with Leaf while either making breakfast or writing

-breakfast with Leaf (coffee for me, milk and bread for him)

830am -try to put Leaf down, entertain him with toys, Leaf wakes Sami up, prepare day clothes and diapers

-cuddle in bed (hugs, kisses, and lots of i love you's), TV for Sami while i wash and change Leaf

-go back to the PC (alternate with running after the boys/refereeing fights)

- cook/prepare the real breakfast (eggs, toast, cheese, the like)

- make the bed, turn on laundry machine (laundry already in the washer the night before)

-run after Sami who's climbing the TV then Leaf who's on the PC table wanting to "go inside" the screen (and just when Leaf is down and i am placing back the mouse and the cam on the table, both boys have already turned over the sofa which i used to cover the wire socket and Leaf is trying to pull the plug of the PC)

- sometimes i watch CBS early show and GMA on MBC 4 and Sami is crying "caaaaat!!!" (cartoon channel's Tom and Jerry) so i dance and sing, doing large movements and taking all the living room area just to get their attention and until they dance with me. While doing so, i watch TV. Sometimes i surrender to their cries so i let them watch what they want then i go back to the PC. Leaf is usually calm when his big brother is watching TV and his Mama is close by)

- watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune and let the boys play together (ride their bikes, play with toys) or watch the show with me (they look pretty interested/curious watching me "talk" to Alex Trebek and Pat---, reciting a letter of the alphabet...)

10am- breakfast Libyan style while watching Barney, wash Sami

- clean up mess from breakfast

- boys watch TV, i go back to the PC and finish whatever i am writing

- hang clothes, chat if some friend/family member is online (alternate this activity with checking on the boys, playing with them)

- diaper change

12 noon- change TV channel (no more cartoons), play with boys, bike/run around the house,

- clean kitchen, wash dishes, prepare ingredients of lunch

-run after boys ransacking drawers

- turn on cartoon channel for Sami and take a shower (if Leaf sleeps)

1pm- try to cook lunch (if Leaf is awake stay infront of the PC) or stay with the boys in the living room

-check mails again, write/continue tasks online
- boys' snacks (usually cookies/biscuits and juice)

2pm- boys' nap

- cook lunch, clean feeding bottles
- eat lunch, clean kitchen
- clean bathroom
- pick up after boys' mess (scattered toys)

4pm- write or lie down with the boys (Leaf usually wakes up and cry if i am not beside him)

-write or bake or read or watch TV or try to take a nap

5pm- boys wake up, play together (if Tarek is home early, he takes a nap while i play with the boys
- boys' snacks

6pm - boys play with Tarek while i prepare dinner and clean the kitchen
-try to watch Oprah at 6

7pm - dinner (lunch heated)

8pm - do dishes, clean kitchen, vacuum floor, prepare boys' bedtime clothes, prepare the bed

9pm - wash boys, change, go to bed, cuddle

10pm- give milk, boys sleep

-iron clothes, fold clothes, prepare what to cook for breakfast (sometimes i prepare batter for pancakes the night before)

11pm - pray, sleep.

Whew! What a list. I am pretty sure someone will feel stressed out reading this but then being able to write this down seems to have relieved me from stress. It's just so amazing. And strange.

Positive

2008-11-25T21:59:00.000-08:00

Confirmed this morning through a home-kit.
I am pregnant. Yes, pregnant. Positive. Double lines. Pregnant.
I do not know what else to write. There's too much to say.
But for now i will have to spend one heart to heart "talk with God"... quiet time.

Missing Home

2008-11-24T06:05:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling homesick and missing everybody back home. I am also craving for Kalamay from Bohol, Piaya from Bacolod, Butterscotch from Iloilo, Siopao, Fresh Lumpia, etc..

My family just called from home. Tito is now on his vacation there bringing with him the camera. I hope to see photos of what's going on and faces of family members. This also means that there won't be pictures posted on my blogs until the 21st of December (Tito's arrival date here) unless he immediately send copies to us. Anyhow this will or might help me begin to work on the completion of writing "jobs" i promise myself to do. I hate constantly thinking about this idea, that thought, this feeling, etc...and not being able to really share them to some friends. I do chat with friends and family but i just couldn't seem to write what i really want to tell them and share to them. The thoughts tend to vanish in the hasty exchanges of mundane stuffs and the chitchats. That's why i plan to just write them in this blog.

Mama promised to chat this Sunday and so did tita Vilma and tito Dan. They asked me to list down my tugons from home. I guess i should do it now before i forget them on Sunday.

List of tugon:
1. Kalamay, Piyaya, Butterscotch
2. Crushed Graham Crackers
3. Unflavored Gelatin
4. Lactacyd (also one for sis in law, Hamida)
5. Jogging Pants (always on sale in Gaisano) for the boys (the cheapest is equivalent to one dinar, imagine that while the most expensive is about 2dinars plus which is Walt Disney brand. The cheapest here is 10 to 15 dinars!)
6. Any (really creamy, maybe ponds or nivea) facial moisturizer
7. Shanne Herbal Oil
8. My TOR and diploma
9. Alsa Gulaman
10. Lucky Me noodles, pancit canton
11. Mama Sita's palabok, karekare, caldereta, etc. mix
12. Bulad and bottled guinamos, Spanish sardines
13. Dessicated Coconut
14. Borloloy from Cogon and jewelry making tools also from cogon (borloloy)
15. Two non-smooth scarf: one short and narrow, one square.
16. Wide Headbands
17. Serving Plates for ma in law n sis in law Tizam
18. Beef Chicharon
19. Argentina corned beef, canned mechado, 555 sardines
20. cosmo, good housekeeping, yes, wow magazines
21. Curry Powder (because i do not like the taste of their curry powder here)
22. Binoculars for Tarek (should be not cost more than 10 dinars or esle he'll buy it here)

Complete Again

2008-11-22T05:37:00.000-08:00

Tarek arrived at 7 last night, bringing with him the 5 liter wine costing only 50dinars (about 15oopesos) and a pink sweatsuit for me. The boys scrambled, all screams and shrieks, when they saw their Papa. We are complete again, thank God.
When i wore the pants-shirt-sweater set he gave me, i realized what i really wanted was a pink colored thing i could hold and behold. I could not hold what i am wearing and only Tarek who actually drooled when he saw me in the attire could behold me in all my pink-Britney Spearish-suit glory. :) But i do love the feel of the cloth in my skin. He promise to take us all out so i could choose what i want. A pink mug perhaps, and a pink laddle...For now i am content with looking at my pants or sleeves every now and then.
No MP yet until now.

The Way to Silence Sam

2008-11-21T07:24:00.000-08:00

Needing these Essentials

2008-11-21T03:45:00.000-08:00

I can totally relate to this article pertaining life in this country where i am based. There is so heavy a truth in this that i find both comforting and challenging. For a newcomer/foreigner like me, i do need these things On the Edge wrote about. Just in case some friends might be so curious about what life here is really like, perhaps they can get a glimpse from this.
#links

Gliding Through

2008-11-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

It's is very difficult to find/have quiet time when the boys are already scampering around early in the morning. This means i have to wake up earlier than 7 am and sleep earlier than 12. Leaf is becoming more demanding every day and his tanatrums are getting worse. I struggle against myself...on being a pushover mom. My friends knew i am likely to become one knowing my reputation for concealing anger so creatively. Or this may be just worm pride...or worse, fear of hurting my kids or i am just plain lazy/passive. But then i do get terribly angry and tend to be harsh on the boys. I know for sure that i have to work on getting rid of this passive-aggressive nature. I have to discipline myself so i can be a better mother. God help me.

Things i need to keep me going:
1. Know what i really want- for myself, and my family (need a list on this one too.)
2. Set fixed goals (short term and long term.)
3. Focus on goals
4. Make list of daily plans - pointing to short term goals
5. Fix daily quiet time schedule
6. Exercise (beginner's yoga video)
7. Continue writing (write friends, journal, blog, etc.)

I am looking forward to seeing Tarek today. He called last night and said he will try to come home early. I hope it won't be the Libyan-early kind which is 8 or 9pm but the Pinky's kind of "early" which means 5 or 6pm.

I prepared pancake batter last night for today's breakfast. The boys as well as their appetites have grown so much. Though Sami has become so picky of foods, he can finish one whole burger bun if i tell him it's "pizza." I just put some pizza sauce and some cheese in it and he'll happily munch it all. Hmmm, i think i will make mashed potatoes for lunch today and mix in the pizza sauce leftover from yesterday.

My monthly MP hasn't arrived yet. I could not exactly describe what i am feeling right now. It's like a mixture of excitement, anxiety, fear, worry.

My Boys Lately

2008-11-20T03:18:00.000-08:00

Weekend at Tarek's workplace in Janzour.

At a Filipino Community party at Pasotti, Tripoli.

Pink Winter

2008-11-20T02:52:00.000-08:00

The boys are now taking their afternoon nap. I hope they will have a good 3-hour sleep, long enough for me to cook their early dinner, fold the dry clothes that are scattered on the bed (they were laundry that have been drying for almost two days now) and clean the kitchen and the bathroom.
Winter's stepping in, causing me to be sluggish. I tend to just stay infront of the PC, surfing, while having cup after cup of coffee. This isn't good for my health. Another thing i don't like is that our clothes, newly washed, are all over the bedroom, trying to dry (because we do not have a tumble dryer, intawon pud) in a heated room. Everytime i change the boys or look for some clothes to wear, it's like choosing in an okay-okay store. The moist ones are on the bed, the almost dry ones are hanging on the double deck, the dresser, and the wet ones are on the plastic indoor-clothespin.
Tarek left to attend a cousin's wedding in Slitton, his father's hometown, yesterday. He will be back tomorrow and i hope bringing with him the red wine, fresh from the (secret) winery, he promised and the "any pink colored stuff" i asked him to bring for me. I have been crazy about pink lately. My eyes love to feast on the gallery of pinks in www.pink-princess.co.uk. I dream of owning a kitchen with all the products from this store and probably own a restaurant and name it PinKytchen. Cute, huh? The last time i went crazy over this color was way back high school years. After graduation, i decided it's not cool to have a favorite color the same as your name. When i turned 18, i wore a peach dress. On my wedding, though a part of me had always been dreaming of a pink motif, i decided to give Sunset Orange a try. It wasn't that bad...and oh well, i want to have a 7th anniversary wedding and that would be Pink's time to shine. :)
Could i be pregnant and having cravings for pink? My period is due tomorrow. This may be just wishful thinking or actualization (or what do you call that in Psychology?) - of having a baby girl.
I will text Tarek now to bring me a pink coffee mug and a pink bracelet. I have two hours left to finish my chores and before Sam or Leaf wakes up.

Plannin' Again Pinks and Blues

2008-11-19T00:48:00.000-08:00

These are my plans for today:
1. Search for images of different herbs (because Tarek's cousin gave me lots of different kinds from Musharatta and i have just made them into a wonderful air freshener.)
2. Search for fun projects for kid's room
3. Cook noodle soup with egg and onions for the boys' lunch
4. Write (i am not really writing yet now.)

Schedule to write about the following:
1. Life in Libya (our welcome, their culture, family)
2. Diva-ness of my Divine Calling as a SAHM (adventures, thoughts)
3. My beloved "The One" husband
4. My sons - growing up
5. Women in Libya
6. Not giving up my Christian faith but integrating the Islam way of life into it.
7. New dreams (of plans of and along with going home, house building/designing, business design, reunions and parties, etc.)

That's just about it for now. It's even too much for me to think since we've been here for nine months already and considering the bulk and weight of experiences i've had here. Omigosh...this would surely be both terrible and amazing.